This post is much filthier than most of our other stuff. No kids please! By the way, last night I went to my neighbor’s to watch the Steelers game in sweatpants. I could tell that everyone was jealous because I was fucking COMFORTABLE. I also came empty-handed, drank everyone else’s beer and screamed the F-word every time something bad happened. I should come with a disclaimer.
PirateFest was last weekend. Which means baseball season is only five months away! That is a brilliant marketing move by the Pirates to promote their team that no one cares about right smack in the middle of Steeler season. Anyway, SmorgasBurgh didn’t send anyone to cover PirateFest, but we did invite guest commentator Vinnie Richichi from 93.7 The Fan to get us all pumped up for Baseball anyway.
My name is Vinnie Richichi and you may know me from my gig on 93.7 The Fan weekdays from 10am to 2pm, but you should really know me from my real life’s work—baseball enthusiast! You see, nothing makes me happier than sitting through nine innings with a bucket of crackerjack and a pitcher of Miller Lite. (Except maybe a double-header! Twice as nice!). I don’t get excited easily, but, baseball? Let me tell you, baseball really gets me going. Nothing like watching those athletes hitting and throwing and running like nobody’s business! I double up on blood pressure medication everyday during baseball season.
After the game, the fun doesn’t stop. You see, my press credentials get me into the locker room. I’ll let you in on a little secret about the baseball locker room: Everyone is naked! They don’t even really need to shower because nobody ever really breaks a sweat playing baseball. (When I was 700 pounds I played a softball doubleheader for charity and I didn’t even break a sweat.) But they shower anyway. I think you really get to understand baseball players and their mentality when they don’t have uniforms to hide behind. (They should just play the games naked!) Being in the locker room is almost as exciting as being at the game. However, they let ladies in the locker rooms these days—which is a bunch of horse shit if you ask me. Baseball is a man’s game. The locker room is no place for a woman. Fuck, if it was up to me, they wouldn’t even let women inside the park to watch. Just a bunch of us men, all packed in so we can get as crazy as we want without those uptight bitches mucking things up.
Is it wrong that I take my pants off in the locker room? I do it so the players don’t feel so uncomfortable walking around naked in front of me. I like them to know that I’m with them. If they have to walk around all naked and vulnerable, then I feel like I need to do it too. I really find it quite liberating. I don’t understand what the big deal is. But Laccee Collins from Root Sports likes to make a big fucking deal about it. If she doesn’t want to see my dong swinging around in the locker room, then she doesn’t need to be in there does she? She likes to use me as a scapegoat—but all of the players are walking around naked with me. That is what we do! Her station manager is a prick too. Apparently they’re going over my head to my bosses to try to get me to keep my pants on. Like I said—baseball is no place for a woman. Everything would be so much better if it was just us guys.
Is it wrong that I shower in the locker room too? There is valuable interview time just wasted while the players are in there showering. Why can’t I just get in there with them and soap up and ask a few questions while we’re all showering together? Some of the players have been saying that I make them feel uncomfortable but I think it is just that bitch Laccee Collins and her station manager putting them up to it. I’m pretty sure most of the players really don’t mind. I mean, what better way to connect with someone than to get in the showers with them and just mix it up in there naked? The hot water and the steam really relaxes us all and the players really open up when they’re in there. They like to joke around a lot by giving me some weird looks and saying hurtful things, but it’s just how guys like to mess around and rib each other.
Is it wrong that I masturbate in the showers? I never do it out in the open. That would be a little weird. I go off into a corner by myself and just do my business. I even shout it out so the players know what I’m doing so they just don’t accidentally come walking over. I wouldn’t want them to be uncomfortable about it. I need to jack it to work off any tension. Sometimes things get a little heated in the locker room what with Laccee Collins always trying to stir up shit so I just like to let off a little steam to keep an even keel. I wouldn’t want to be doing my job interviewing the guys when I’m not 100% so I really need to jack it. It wouldn’t be fair to the guys if I didn’t. They know that. I shouldn’t have walked around that one time pretending my erection was a microphone, though. That was a bit unprofessional, I think. The players seemed a little surprised, but I think they all knew it was just me clowning around. I like to clown around a lot when I’m jacking it. And I like to jack it almost anytime I talk about baseball, actually. In fact I’m really working it strong right now. You couldn’t even tell because I’m still keeping my cool. Almost there, though. I got to cut this short before things get messy. See you next time……………………….. if the Lord’s willing and the Creek don’t rise!
93.7 The Fan