Hello Pittsburgh friends. It is me, Geno. Yes I feel shame for losing Olympics. Much shame. But also much fear. Time to put on fake mustache and hightail it out of country. I should make it to Kazakhstan border by dawn. If you see me on street in Sochi, no call me Geno! Call me Guy Incognito. I still remember fallout from 1980 team. They wake up in frozen pond up to their necks! And figure skating team wake up to find eyes gouged out! Not a good year for any Russian skaters. Then they make figure skating team perform their routine for 12 hours straight on same ice where hockey team buried. Not pretty sight. But number one pay-per-view in Russian history! Too bad our loss put a damper on good times in Motherland. I was proud to show my league-mates my home country. Sid not happy because no Disney channel in hotel. But fuck him anyway because he win another gold. Just kidding! So happy for him and Kunitz. Jagr was very happy because not one prostitute over 19 years old. Very strict age discrimination in Russia! Also no waitress and no nurse over 19. Pretty much any women over 19 carted off to work in herring cannery or traded to Latvia for lunch-meats. Well, I must go now. Run and hide in cover of darkness. Like Canadian military during Iraq war. LOL…just kidding, Sid! Not everyone can have big, huge balls like Ruskies, eh!

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Sorting through all of the misinformation on the Internet is nothing new to us. The old adage, “You can’t believe everything you read” has never been more relevant. For every informative and accurate story out there, there are dozens more that are either completely fabricated or utterly useless. Of course, this problem isn’t limited to just the Internet— it is difficult to find reliable information anywhere anymore.
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It took only two phone calls on DVE after the Steelers game for somebody to say that Tomlin needs to go and he only won the Super Bowl because it was “Cowher’s team”. HOLY SHIT. Nothing pisses me off more than some mouth-breathing yinzer-racist spouting off this stupid statement. I respect David Todd, but I was disappointed that he didn’t rip into the caller. Coaching in football is more critical than any other team sport. I don’t care how talented the roster, an NFL team still needs a great coach to win a championship. If I coached the 70’s Steelers, they wouldn’t have won a single game. If Romeo Crennel coached them, they wouldn’t have done much better. Chuck Noll was a great coach. That’s why they won four Super Bowls. Bill Cowher was also a great coach. (Contrary to popular belief, his playoff record is exceptional.) He won the Super Bowl because his hard work paid off. Mike Tomlin, believe it or not, is also a great coach. To say that he only won with Cowher’s team is petty and stupid.
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Hello Pittsburgh fans! It is me again…Geno! Rough night last night for game one Conference Finals. Zero goals and we lose. But you see me win fight? Just like Ivan Drago, yes? Growing up in Russia, I was big fan of Drago. In Russia they show Rocky IV in school as documentary to help promote steroid use. (Also syringes for cereal box prize very good steroid promotion. I have full collection of syringes for all Smeshariki cartoon characters.) Anyway Russian version of Rocky IV is 60 minutes and end when Drago kill Apollo Creed. Drago is big hero to Russian school children. Like Peter Pan for Americans. When I first come to Penguins Duper tease me that Drago lose to Rocky at end of Rocky IV. I no believe until he show me American cut. DEVASTATING. Like when Americans learn Tom Hanks is Communist. Anyway, Sidney not too happy in locker room last night. He tell us goose egg is unacceptable. I tell him goose egg is main staple of Volga Tatar cuisine. I’d kill for a good Volga Tatarstan restaurant in Pittsburgh. But right now need concentrate on winning Game 2 tomorrow night. I promise Coach Bylsma little less fighting, little more defense. Coach say Boston already steal home ice advantage—but for me, not so bad. Boston is cold, shitty socialist state full of drunken white people. Remind me so much of home.

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The Pirates played another meaningless game yesterday afternoon at PNC Park, which meant that those in the stadium were not the only ones who had to suffer. Everyone who works in town was treated to a fucking nightmare of a traffic jam, thanks to Bob Nutting and his continued hatred for the hardworking people of this great city. HAVEN’T YOU FUCKED US OVER ENOUGH, YOU CHEAP, SOULLESS PIECE OF SHIT?

I find it ridiculous that they still let the Pirates go through the charade of an entire 162 game schedule, knowing full well that there is no chance of a playoff berth—but I don’t mind it all that much EXCEPT WHEN THEIR FUCKING FARCE INTERFERES WITH MY LIFE. If you insist on playing games during the middle of a work-day, then do it somewhere else where it won’t impede on the livelihood of people who matter. Do it in Cleveland. Sitting in game-day traffic on your drive home from work is like getting an STD from a rectal exam. Are you using the whole fist, doc?

I went to a day game last season. Some co-workers and I were invited to a luxury box and we drank lots of beer and talked about EVERYTHING BUT THE PIRATES. And this was when they were supposedly battling for a playoff spot. We all left early because nobody gave a shit and we didn’t want to sit thru traffic. Next day game at PNC Park, the Pirates should have the decency of kicking all the fans out by 3pm so they can all be off the roads by the time everyone else gets off work. They can finish the game in an empty stadium. Not like they haven’t done that before.

By the way, the Pirates open a three game series in Milwaukee tonight. Should be the perfect time for them to start their annual slide.

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