What is going on with Deflategate? It’s been a month since the AFC Championship game and still no word on the results of the investigation? The Brits didn’t investigate Jack the Ripper this long. After a few weeks they threw their hands up and said, “Well he’s a clever chap, that one! Off to the pub now, mates. Well done, the whole lot of you.”
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As baseball season winds down, I just wanted to tell one more story about when I used to work for the Pirates. If you missed the previous ones, this one is about the no-hitter in 1997 and this one is about a golf-cart mishap. I worked for the Pirates through high school and college doing odd jobs as a member of their support staff. By far, the worst job was the Pirate Parrot’s assistant. Weird, right? You would think hanging with a man dressed as a giant cartoon bird at a sporting event would be fun and exciting. NOPE. More like stressful and exhausting. Because the Parrot was a DICK.
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Michael Keaton’s latest film, Birdman, looks promising and I can’t wait to see it. The Pittsburgh native has always been one of my favorite actors. The other night I was reading about Birdman on the Internet before going to bed. I waste way too much time reading about movies. I usually decide it’s too late to watch one, but then I spend three hours on the Internet reading stupid shit.
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There are very few things that I feel strongly about. Basically, I am a very shallow person. I love my family and my television. That’s it. Oh, I also like burgers. Everything else I pretty much don’t give a shit about. There are some issues that I am lukewarm on. Gays should be allowed to marry. Why not. Fuck, people could marry donkeys for all I care. Men shouldn’t hit women and people shouldn’t shit in the streets. That’s actually one more thing I feel strongly about. I can’t imagine how enraged I would be if I was taking a stroll and stepped in human shit. If someone was going to do it on a rare occasion for laughs, that would be fine. I would actually find it funny. But if shitting in the streets became a “thing” I would be so pissed. I’m fully aware that they do this in some countries like China and India, which is why I never plan on stepping foot in any of those places. Oh, I also lack culture. I don’t have any ambition to travel. The view in real life is never as spectacular as anything on my HDTV.
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Michael Sam, the NFL’s soon to be first openly gay player, has been a hot topic of conversation this offseason– except, ironically, among the gay male community which isn’t really that into football. But do you really think he’s gay? Really? I know what you’re thinking– I’m an asshole. Criticizing a courageous role model for young homosexuals everywhere. However, I am NOT questioning Michael Sam’s courage one bit. Not at all. In fact, you know what would be even more brave than a gay man coming out of the closet before he enters the NFL draft? A straight man PRETENDING to be gay and coming out of the closet for the draft. That takes fucking balls. I salute you, Sam, whether or not you are lying out of your gay ass.
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