Coaches Meeting 31

An uncensored, behind-the-scenes look at Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin and his staff.

2023 Week 6. Last Week: Pittsburgh 17, Baltimore 10. Next: BYE.

Tomlin:  “Well, a win is a win, and it’s always nice to beat those formidable foes from down there in Baltimore, but we really got to fix this offense. This lack of production is not condusive to winning in this league.”

Canada:  “Soorrie, Coach. That’s on me. My bad.”

Tomlin:  “Of course it’s on you. We’re lucky that Kenny audibled out of your shit call for our only touchdown this week. Now how do we fix this?”

Canada:  “Well, we got the BYE this week to sharpen our pencils and work on it, ehh?”

Tomlin:  “Precisely my thoughts. Now what have you been working on?”

Canada:  “Well, you know how we run it on first and second downs, and then put Kenny in an impossible third and long on most drives, ehh?”

Tomlin:  “Yes, we need to improve our success rate on those early downs. Now how do we do it.”

Canada:  (Softly) “Fire me?”

Tomlin:  “What the fuck did you just say?”

Special Teams Coordinator Danny Smith:  “I think he just asked you to fire him. But I only got the one hearing aid in. So it’s also possible that he asked you to fuck him. Either way, I can’t wait to see how this plays out.”

Canada:  “I said, Fire Me! For the love of god, Mikey, please fire me!  I hate this job. I have no idea what I’m doing. You know it, and I know it. The whole goddamn country knows it! Snoop Dogg knows it. He came to my house and threatened me last week. My own house. I’m pretty sure he was packing.”

Smith:  “Jesus Christ, Mike. In eighty years of coaching, I ain’t ever seen shit like this.”

Tomlin:  “Both of you calm down. Nobody is getting fired. The boss simply won’t have it. You need to wipe those tears and man up, Canada. I put my dick on the line for you. Don’t you fuck this up!”

Canada:  “Soorrie.”

Tomlin:  “We do need to get you to a safe house, though. Snoop Dogg will shoot you. That motherfucker’s crazy.”

Canada:  (Whimpering) “Oh god. Just please fire me.”

Tomlin:  “Absolutely not. We need to squelch all this termination talk. It makes the organization look bad and it’s bad for morale. The fans are getting very vocal about it and Social media right now is really killing us.”

Canada:  “I can delete some of my burner accounts.”

Tomlin:  “Not yet, we may need them to generate some positive vibes.”

Canada:  “No, they are all negative accounts. I talk shit on our offense. I really wanted to get fired.”

Defensive Coordinator Teryl Austin:  “Yeah, I have a bunch of burner accounts out there talking shit on him too.”

Tomlin:  “Jesus Christ. You both need to cut that shit out. Right now! What about you, Danny? Anything on your phone that we need to be concerned with?”

Smith:  (Looks at the ancient rotary phone sitting on the table) “I don’t think so.”

Austin:  “You don’t have facebook? Twitter? Instagram? What the hell do you read on the shitter?”

Smith:  “Well, I don’t go more than once a week anymore, but I bring a newspaper. The funnies.”

Art Rooney II walks into the room.

Rooney:  “What’s up, bitches! BYE week! Sun and fun! Who’s coming down to the Carribean with me? Canada, I’m going to need one of your burner accounts to order me a shit ton of blue chews. Going to keep my Willie Parker hard as steel all week long!”

Tomlin:  “You’ll have to give us a few minutes, boss. We’re trying to figure out how to fix these offensive woes. And Canada wants us to fire him.”

Rooney:  “Fire him? What? No. Nobody’s getting fired. I gotta pay out severance. And then I still got to pay some new guy. And fill out a bunch of paperwork with the league and shit. Plus how am I going to get my blue chews? My Jimmy Johnson gots to eat!”

Tomlin:  “Don’t worry about your boner pills. I already told him he’s not getting fired.”

Austin:  “Oh shit. You guys on Twitter? They are chanting ‘Fire Canada’ at the Pens game right now!” (Laughs uncontrollably.)

Rooney:  “Really? Well, Mario is going to be pissed. He hates being second fiddle in this town to begin with. He’s really not going to like this on his opening night. I better call to apologize. Maybe send him a carton of blue chews.”

Tomlin:  “He’s a world-class athlete. I’m sure he has no problem getting it up.”

Rooney:  “Maybe not the first few times, but I’ve seen that guy bang sixteen girls in one night. There’s no way he’s doing that without some performance enhancers. He pops them in his mouth like tic tacs.”

Smith:  “Sixteen? Jesus Christ. That sounds painful. My prostate is on fire after one.”

Rooney:  “Yeah, sixteen. Him and Phil Bourque had a contest going. I think Phil beat him though. He isn’t just speedy on the ice.”

Tomlin:  “Well, this meeting has gone off the rails as usual, so I’m thinking we should call it. Everybody enjoy the week off. And Mr. Rooney, try not to get AIDS.”

Rooney:  “AIDS? That’s not really still a thing is it? There’s no way I am going back to wearing rubbers. My Rod Woodson gots to breathe!”

Smith:  “Of course it’s still a thing. Magic Johnson got AIDS.”

Austin:  “That was like forty years ago!”

Smith:  “I know but he still has it. He’s still passing that shit around.”

Rooney:  “Who’s dumb enough to have sex with Magic?”

Austin:  “Maybe he tells them he’s Scottie Pippen. Girls don’t know.”

Canada:  “I bet that Harry Potter kid has the AIDS. Have you seen him? All sickly looking.”

Tomlin:  “Will you all just get the fuck out of here already?”

Rooney:  “Yeah, I better go pack for my trip. My Magic Johnson is itching to score.”

Tomlin:  “Well, hopefully your Magic Johnson fares better than our offense.”


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