First, hats off to the Giants for beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl again. Watching the Patriots lose the Super Bowl is the next best thing to the Steelers winning one. Bill Belichick plays that shit cool when he loses but you know when he gets home he just goes ballistic. He probably has an entire basement filled with dead interns. The Patriots have a losing record in Super Bowls now, and that is only fitting for a team that cheated their way to their first Championships (YES THAT SPYGATE SHIT WAS REAL).
Now we move on to next season and one of the biggest stories that is going to play out in the next couple months is the Peyton Manning saga. Will the Colts keep him? Will they cut him? Will his neck ever heal? Why doesn’t he wear one of those hilarious neck collars? (My apologies to those who actually are wearing a neck brace for medical reasons. I’m sure it’s not so funny when you’re in one. But trust me—it’s hilarious when SOMEONE ELSE is wearing one.)
The Colts are in a LOSE LOSE situation with Manning. They owe the man $28 Million on March 8th if they keep him. If they cut him then you know he will sign with the Jaguars and win the division five years in a row. The Colts do get Andrew Luck in the draft, but Bruce Arians will RUIN HIM. The Colts fans will revolt. Then they will go back to watching basketball and eating—two pastimes that were held in a much higher regard before Peyton got to Indianapolis. The Colts can’t afford to pay him. But they can’t afford to cut him either. The only solution is to kill him.
Jim Irsay is just the whack job to do it too. If you follow him on twitter then you know how crazy he is. I don’t follow him because I don’t want to be on his “list”. He was also crazy enough to hire the aforementioned Arians. When your colleagues are Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder but everyone thinks that YOU’RE the crazy one—then there is definitely some messed up shit going on in that head of yours. Plus his family moved the Colts out of Baltimore in the middle of the night—so you know he was raised by dicks. I have no doubt that this man is fully capable of killing to solve his problems.
Everybody knows that killing is the only way to get ahead and it’s the people who have the balls to actually do it who find themselves at the top in this messed up world we live in. I probably haven’t realized my full potential in life yet because I haven’t yet taken that next step. But believe you me, the day will come when a co-worker gets in the way of a promotion and BLOOD WILL SPILL. Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots, is a shrewd billionaire. He had his own wife killed just to give his team added motivation to win the Super Bowl again. Fucking brilliant if you ask me—and it damn near worked. I have no actual proof that he did this but he MIGHT have. Besides, has the Internet ever steered you wrong? (A few years back when the Pope died, Yahoo prematurely reported his death. Me and a friend tried to convince our boss that since we were both Catholic he had to let us have the rest of the day off because it was horrible and we were suffering and mourning and all that crap. Then Yahoo posted a RETRACTION and our boss threw that in our faces. WHO KNEW THE POPE WAS JUST A PAWN IN GOD’S GAME TO FUCK WITH US?)
Anyway, back to killing Peyton.
They could make it look like a suicide. There are so many reasons why he would. He has a deformed neck that may never allow him to participate in his life’s passion anymore—standing in the spotlight at the line of scrimmage calling audibles for 35 seconds. He just missed an entire season and cost everybody on the coaching staff their jobs. Dey took r jrbs! His brother has twice as many Super Bowl rings than he does. Plus Eli’s wife is much hotter. How many of us watched the Super Bowl and said “Holy shit—look how hot Eli’s wife is. Doesn’t she know he’s retarded?”
If Irsay makes the right move—and has Peyton killed—then (a) they don’t have to pay him the $28 Million they would owe him and (b) they don’t have to worry about him going elsewhere and winning Super Bowls for another team while the Colts look like morons.
Problem solved. You’re welcome Colts fans.