Congratulations Pitt on the new hire! Hopefully Paul Chryst will work out better than the last 12 guys. The process did seem to go pretty smoothly this time and it seems Pitt Athletic Director Steve Pederson asked all the right questions. We got hold of the Questionnaire he used during this interview process and posted it below. I guess Paul passed with flying colors.
PITT FOOTBALL HEAD COACH INTERVIEW QUESTIONS – DECEMBER 2011 PROPERTY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT
DO NOT DISTRIBUTE
1. Do you have any experience coaching football? (If the answer is ‘no’ end the interview.)
2. Have you ever punched your wife in the face? (If the answer is ‘yes’ end the interview. Be all like “we don’t condone that.”)
3. This job requires travel to West Virginia. Have you ever gotten the hepatitis A/B vaccines? (If the answer is ‘no’ we can give him the vaccine upon hiring provided he has UPMC insurance.)
4. Can you name all of the teams in the Big East Football Conference? (Trick question. Nobody outside of the Big East should be able to name more than 3 teams. If he names more than 3 then he’s wasting way too much time watching shitty football— end the interview.)
5. Have you ever taken illegal narcotics? (Legal purposes only. If the guy wins football games he can snort crack out of a midget’s ass at halftime for all we care.)
6. Is your wife an uppity bitch who is really fickle about the weather and strongly prefers a constant dry Arizona heat year round? (If the answer is ‘yes’ end the interview.)
7. Hypothetically, if assistant coach ‘A’ were to come up to you and say he saw assistant coach ‘B’ jimmy-johnning a little boy in the locker room, would you:
(a) Throw up all over him.
(b) Laugh it off…”that’s just Coach ‘B’. That scamp!”
(c) Shoot coach A and Coach B in the face.
(d) Call the police.
(e) Call Mike McQueary’s dad.
(Multiple answers are allowed here. If any answer includes (b) end the interview. (d) is the preferred answer, although any combination of (a)(c)(d) and (e) is also acceptable.)
8. True or False: There is nothing wrong with letting your assistant coaches shower in the locker room with little boys. (If the answer is ‘True’ end the interview.)
9. Is it okay if Ditka crashes at your place when he’s in town? (Any answer is acceptable here. Ditka makes us ask this question. If the answer is ‘no’ then he’ll just have to take it up with Ditka later.)
10. If he makes it this far make him a low-ball offer.