Happy Birthday, Grandson! I’m so glad you made it to your 20th! I thought we had lost you this summer when Greg Brown gave you the AIDS. But with the valiant help of Doctors McDonald and Barajas, you miraculously survived. We were all pulling for you. Some day when you are in your 80’s like me, you will look back on this year and appreciate life more than you’ll ever fucking know. You were born so precious and fragile since your birth father Jim was a notorious chain-smoker. But you have persevered and grown so big and strong. Thankfully your step-father Clint has been doing a wonderful job caring for you since you’ve graduated high school. He doesn’t smoke but he always has a whole pack of Hubba-Bubba in his mouth which is actually much grosser. I know life has much in store for you. Take it by the balls. Enclosed is 5 dollars. Spend it wisely! I know you always do, you thrifty cocksucker.
P.S. Sorry for the language. I have dementia.