Coaches Meeting 9

An uncensored, behind-the-scenes look at Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin and his staff.

2011 Week 12:  Pittsburgh 13, Kansas City 9  Next:  Cincinnati

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Tomlin:  “We got lucky to get out of Kansas City with a win.  We were flat and we need to get out of that rut quickly.  No way we beat Cincy if we play that bad.”

Lebeau:  “We’re still pretending that Cincinnati doesn’t suck?  They barely beat Cleveland last week.  Is everybody fucking high?”

Arians:  “I know what we need, Mikey.  Something that motivates the guys.  A little secret weapon I like to pull out when things get a little boring around here…..Movie Night!”

Tomlin:  “That might not be a bad idea.  But how about somebody check IMDB this time around.  We don’t want any mixups like the kids’ camp this summer.”

Arians:  “In my defense, ‘Attack the Block’ does sound like an instructional video on blocking technique.  Anyway everybody loved it.”

Tomlin:  “You showed an R-rated monster movie to a bunch of 8 year olds.  Parents are still sending me angry letters.”

Arians:  “Pffft.  I get angry letters all the time.”

Tomlin:  “Alright, check the blackberry…what’s playing?”

Arians:  “Let’s see…how ‘bout this one…..’Real Steel.’

Tomlin:  “That sounds like it couldn’t be more perfect.  It could be the title of one of our highlight films.  What’s it about?”

Arians:  (reading) “A struggling boxing promoter and the son he never knew he had form a lasting relationship by repairing a discarded boxing robot together.”

Tomlin:  (dumfounded) “That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard.  What else?”

Arians:  “Moneyball.  It’s a baseball movie.”

Tomlin:  “Baseball is boring as shit.  What else?”

Lebeau:  “How about we stop dicking around and see a John Wayne movie?  Nobody was tougher than the Duke!”

Arians:  “Hey, great idea!  Let me see…..John Wayne.  Oh, yes, there is a John Wayne movie playing right here.  Does anyone know how to get to…NINETEEN FIFTY TWO?”

Lebeau:  “John Wayne would break your neck if he was here right now.  And the only reason I won’t do it is because Mikey won’t let me.”

Tomlin:  “That’s pretty much a standing rule for everyone in the facility.”

(Art Rooney II walks in.)

Rooney:  “Gentlemen, I’ve got something here that is going to blow your minds….and make us virtually unbeatable.”

Tomlin:  “I like what I’m hearing.  Elaborate.”

Rooney:  “Imagine guys like Starks.  Hood.  Suisham.  Suisham’s a boy scout for fuck’s sake.  Imagine how much better they would be if they played mean.  Mean and nasty.  I’m talking like the days of Mean Joe and Lambert.  I got something that’ll make everyone on this team play like the Devil’s up their ass!”

Tomlin:  “That sounds like something that is going to completely sidetrack my meeting.”

Rooney:  “Here, try this.”  (He flips a pill to Lebeau who put it in his mouth and swallows it.)

Tomlin:  “What exactly is it?”

Rooney:  “It’s kind of like this rage potion.  I got the idea from watching ‘Ghostbusters 2.’”

Tomlin:  “Does it work?”

(Lebeau picks up his chair and smashes it down onto Bruce Arians’ head—knocking him out cold.)

Lebeau:  “FUCK YOU AND YOUR BUBBLE SCREEN YOU PASS HAPPY BUFFOON!”

Tomlin:  “Holy shit.  I’d say it does.  Where’d you get it?”

Rooney:  “We have a laboratory in Dublin working on all kinds of crazy stuff like this.  I’m going to order another thousand units.  Everyone gets two doses on game days.”

Tomlin:  “Fantastic.  Except Kemoateu, right?”

Rooney:  “Oh, of course.  He’s still getting daily injections of estrogen?”

Tomlin:  “Yes, we even doubled the dosage.  That man has some unholy rage deep down inside.”

Lebeau:  “We figure there might be some rhinoceros in his family’s lineage.”

Tomlin:  “One problem.  What about the penalties?  Fines?  Suspensions?  If Suh got two games for stepping on someone’s arm, what’s going to happen when Harrison suplexes a referee?”

Rooney:  “Holy crap.  You’re right.  What was I thinking?”  (He pulls some other pills out of his pocket and stares down into his hand.)  “We may have to use these.”

Tomlin:  “What are those?”

Rooney:  “The pussy pills.”

(He extends one out to Dick Lebeau who shakes his head from side to side.)

Lebeau:  “Uh, uh.  (picks up his chair)  I’ll wake BA.”.

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