Why are there no Sumo wrestlers in the NFL? Because they are fat and slow and one-dimensional and would waste a valuable roster spot that someone more athletic and versatile could be occupying. But WHAT IF there were no roster limitations? What if instead of 46, you could dress like 146 players on game day? Well, now…THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
As we eagerly anticipate the NFL Draft, I’ll answer that age old question—how can we load up an NFL roster with FREAKS to make the best team ever? Only 2 rules: (1) No limit to roster size, salary cap or the number of players that can dress on game day. (2) All other current NFL rules are still in effect. (So you can’t just load up on midgets to throw over the line into the endzone on 1st and goal because it is illegal to pick up another player and throw him.)
This is how I would build my team.
The average Sumo Wrestler weighs over 400 pounds. The objective of their sport is to use leverage to move their opponent against their will. Sumo Wrestlers would be perfect on the Defensive Line in goal line situations. FIVE Sumo Wrestlers on my goal line defense would be impossible to run on. That is over ONE TON of Japanese fatties. Most offenses will inevitably try to pass against this alignment because it will be impossible to run against the Sumo Front. (Except the Colts because Bruce Arians is incapable of making rational strategic decisions.) That is why I would compensate by throwing six defensive backs out with the Sumo Front and blitz one or two of them on each play. You can’t run. You can’t pass. It’s the PERFECT goal line defense. The only issue is that the Sumo Wrestlers would get incredibly tired and worn down just from running from the sidelines onto the field. But that is why I would have a flatbed truck on the sideline, to transport them onto the field. They just need to roll on and off the flatbed and get to work. A midget could drive the truck. FUN FACT: In the 8th grade we had sumo wrestling tournaments at recess complete with coaches, referees and time limits. We had multiple matches going on simultaneously with a championship at the end just before the bell rung. When the weather forced us indoors for recess we did the same thing with paper football. I have no doubt that given the chance little kids could come up with a system far superior to the BCS.
Having a defensive player deflect a pass at the line of scrimmage can be very deflating for an opposing quarterback. Not to mention there is always the chance of a batted ball getting intercepted. Did anyone hear the announcers in the Super Bowl talk about how Genius Bill Belichick used tall obstacles in practice to help simulate the Giants defensive line batting down balls? But then Brady proceeded to have two balls batted down in the FIRST QUARTER. Anyway, I would have seven foot ex NCAA basketball centers on my team specifically for the purpose of batting down balls. They would wear goalie leg pads on their arms (I couldn’t find any rules limiting the size of forearm pads) and just jump up and down and wave their arms back and forth to create impossible throwing conditions. I would also have physicists and mathematicians on my staff to study the angles and know specifically where on the field to place them in every situation to allow for the most optimal opportunities to deflect passes. The Genius would have no answer for this. These lanky fuckers would also be on my kick block team.
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kicker
Dealing with pressure is one of the key responsibilities of an NFL kicker. And any lapse in concentration could cause them to miss a field goal. That is why the ideal NFL kicker would be deaf, dumb, blind and not have a fucking clue about what is going on. LIKE A MACHINE. He would never, ever feel an ounce of nervousness because he would be oblivious to the situation and the crowd. Someone (a midget) would just stand next to him and tap him on the ass as the ball is snapped (since he can’t see nor hear the snap count.) He would have to have some kicking skills, sure. So maybe it’s an ex Soccer player who got into some horrific accident? Or maybe we intentionally mutilate a current NFL kicker? MY TEAM WILL WIN AT ALL COSTS. I would also have a kicker that could “bend it like Beckham” for onsides kicks and one who could kick it 75 yards for touchbacks every time. I would also have about a dozen punting specialists for every conceivable punting situation. You can never have enough kickers.
I’ve already established that since it is against the rules for an NFL player to throw another, there is going to be little use for midgets in football. But every year I would petition the NFL Competition Committee to CHANGE THAT RULE. Imagine if you could line up in a goal line offense with a midget and two other players on either side of him. The midget takes the shotgun snap, holds onto the ball with all his might and then the other two players launch him over the defensive line and into the endzone. That would work EVERY TIME. But eventually defenses would catch on and get THEIR OWN MIDGET. Then they would have two players time it just right and launch their midget like a scud missile into the ball carrier for epic midget mid air collisions. HOLY SHIT. Football just got 100 times more exciting. Plus who wouldn’t want to see a midget do a touchdown dance? (If he survives the fall into the endzone.)
At some point in our lifetimes there will be cyborgs among us because cyborgs will be an even cheaper labor alternative than the Chinese or Mexicans so corporate America will stop at nothing to make it happen. (The capital for R&D and the equipment needed to mass produce the cyborgs will be very expensive, but then the operational costs are minimal—no salaries, no benefits, no training, no insurance, etc. Plus they will work non-stop around the clock. Someday a cyborg may even write this blog!) The first wave of cyborgs will probably be too rigid and too uncoordinated to stay upright on the football field (like Plaxico Burress), but eventually there will be a model that is fluid and athletic and will make the perfect football player. As a billionaire team owner, I will study the cyborg industry and invest in companies that look promising. When that first cyborg comes off the assembly line ready to hit the gridiron—he’ll be on my team. Eventually the cyborg will malfunction and decapitate 40 spectators—but until that happens, he’s my All-Pro running back.
There you have it. The greatest NFL Roster ever! My team would be unbeatable and thoroughly entertaining. LOOK AT THE FREAKS! The number of illegal formation and delay of game penalties may increase dramatically though because coordinating that many players is going to be difficult. But that is why I’ll hire 80 coaches. My coaching staff will also include ex-wives of coaches of the other NFL teams so I can really get inside their heads. I’ll have to file for bankruptcy the day after I win my first Super Bowl—but it will be well worth it.