MURDER 101

hernandez

I have not had the time to follow this Aaron Hernandez thing too closely, which is a shame because I love when bad things happen to the Patriots who are a bunch of cheating assholes. I can’t wait to see them go 14 – 2 in their shitty division and give their fans false hope and then watch them get their asses handed to them in the playoffs again. That about sums up the fate of the Patriots every year until Gisele makes Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr retire.

Based on what I did learn about the Hernandez situation, I can deduce that he is scum. However, it cannot be understated how much of a moron he is. He dropped the ball on this whole murder thing. If I was in his shoes– smoking gun, standing over the body– this is how I would have handled it:
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FANTASY FOOTBALL TALK

Tatum Bell

I bought a Fantasy Football magazine the other day. I know the Internet pretty much makes every magazine a complete waste of money– including Fantasy Football ones– but I still like to buy one every year as my own official kickoff to the football season. Once I have that magazine in my hand, I know training camps are just around the corner…and then pre-season games…and then OH THANK YOU GOD– FOOTBALL SEASON!!! (Although it is actually very nice to have my Sundays open right now to do stuff instead of sitting in front of the television all day like I do during football season. But I do love football oh so much– so September can’t come soon enough. Plus I hate mowing the damn lawn. FUCK YOU NATURE WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO FIX YOUR SHIT?)

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GENO COMMENTS ON GAME ONE

malkin fight

Hello Pittsburgh fans! It is me again…Geno! Rough night last night for game one Conference Finals. Zero goals and we lose. But you see me win fight? Just like Ivan Drago, yes? Growing up in Russia, I was big fan of Drago. In Russia they show Rocky IV in school as documentary to help promote steroid use. (Also syringes for cereal box prize very good steroid promotion. I have full collection of syringes for all Smeshariki cartoon characters.) Anyway Russian version of Rocky IV is 60 minutes and end when Drago kill Apollo Creed. Drago is big hero to Russian school children. Like Peter Pan for Americans. When I first come to Penguins Duper tease me that Drago lose to Rocky at end of Rocky IV. I no believe until he show me American cut. DEVASTATING. Like when Americans learn Tom Hanks is Communist. Anyway, Sidney not too happy in locker room last night. He tell us goose egg is unacceptable. I tell him goose egg is main staple of Volga Tatar cuisine. I’d kill for a good Volga Tatarstan restaurant in Pittsburgh. But right now need concentrate on winning Game 2 tomorrow night. I promise Coach Bylsma little less fighting, little more defense. Coach say Boston already steal home ice advantage—but for me, not so bad. Boston is cold, shitty socialist state full of drunken white people. Remind me so much of home.

 

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PIRATES STILL MANAGE TO IRRITATE

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The Pirates played another meaningless game yesterday afternoon at PNC Park, which meant that those in the stadium were not the only ones who had to suffer. Everyone who works in town was treated to a fucking nightmare of a traffic jam, thanks to Bob Nutting and his continued hatred for the hardworking people of this great city. HAVEN’T YOU FUCKED US OVER ENOUGH, YOU CHEAP, SOULLESS PIECE OF SHIT?

I find it ridiculous that they still let the Pirates go through the charade of an entire 162 game schedule, knowing full well that there is no chance of a playoff berth—but I don’t mind it all that much EXCEPT WHEN THEIR FUCKING FARCE INTERFERES WITH MY LIFE. If you insist on playing games during the middle of a work-day, then do it somewhere else where it won’t impede on the livelihood of people who matter. Do it in Cleveland. Sitting in game-day traffic on your drive home from work is like getting an STD from a rectal exam. Are you using the whole fist, doc?

I went to a day game last season. Some co-workers and I were invited to a luxury box and we drank lots of beer and talked about EVERYTHING BUT THE PIRATES. And this was when they were supposedly battling for a playoff spot. We all left early because nobody gave a shit and we didn’t want to sit thru traffic. Next day game at PNC Park, the Pirates should have the decency of kicking all the fans out by 3pm so they can all be off the roads by the time everyone else gets off work. They can finish the game in an empty stadium. Not like they haven’t done that before.

By the way, the Pirates open a three game series in Milwaukee tonight. Should be the perfect time for them to start their annual slide.

 

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10 UNIQUE THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT THE NHL

quick cup

The last few weeks have reminded me that the NHL Playoffs are the most entertaining in all of sports. I love NFL football, but the playoffs are one-and-done and confined to weekends and don’t provide nightly excitement like Hockey does. The NCAA Basketball tournament is exciting and fun to throw money at, but the quality of play has deteriorated in recent years. There still isn’t an NCAA Football tournament and won’t be for some time (four teams does NOT make a tournament). The MLB playoffs are fine if you live in one of the big markets and can tolerate long stretches of guys just standing around chewing gum. The NBA playoffs may be the only one that compares to the NHL, but I’m just not a big fan— and because they overlap, fans are almost forced to choose between the two. The NHL playoffs feature 16 teams in Best-of-Seven series— so there are plenty of games to watch almost every night and the competition is balanced and intense. The game itself is fast-paced and exciting and the playoffs usually deliver.

Despite the insanely stupid re-alignment and the recent work stoppages, the NHL is a great product. It’s definitely a niche sport and will never be as popular as others, but there are many reasons to love it. One of the reasons is the uniqueness of the sport. Besides the obvious fact that it’s played on one inch of frozen water, the NHL definitely does many things to set themselves apart from other leagues. And it does so in a way that is not gimmicky or tired—a lot of it steeped in tradition. The things that set Hockey apart from the other sports are some of the reasons that make it so special. And so SmorgasBurgh presents:

10 Unique Things We Love About the NHL

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