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The letters MVP are being thrown around a lot in regards to Andrew McCutchen these days and with good reason– he is tearing up the National League. As someone who despises the Pirates, I can’t bear to watch every time he comes to the plate because I know he is going to put one over the wall JUST TO FUCK WITH ME. To date, he is batting .372 with 22 home runs and 65 RBI.

I would list his slugging percentage and OPS but frankly I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN. Just kidding…I know what they mean (thank you, Wikipedia) but all those stupid fucking stats are one of the reasons I can’t stand baseball. What about his BPG ratio? (Bitches per game). The higher his BPG, the more he is scoring off the field. This is important because men are motivated by fucking. More Home Runs = More Fucking = Even More Home Runs. If McCutchen isn’t seeing his hard work pay off in the form of bountiful eager young pussy then his stats may just start slipping a little. (A BPG over 2.0 can tire a player out though, so that’s not good either. You want to see a player sitting comfortably around 1.5.)

McCutchen is deserving of MVP consideration thus far because he is among the BEST PLAYERS in the National League. I can’t fucking stand it when people interpret the League MVP as the player who is most valuable TO THEIR TEAM. That is not what the fucking award is for! If it was, it would be called the MVPTTT and you would have a 12-inch dong in the FANTASY WORLD YOU ARE LIVING IN. Making the argument that the League MVP should go to the player who is most valuable TTT is only done by asswads who know their guy is inferior but want to justify voting for him. Just because a guy is superior to all the other assholes on his team doesn’t make him better than someone who plays with competent teammates and is putting up better overall numbers. I do understand that having great players around you in the lineup might mean you’re seeing better pitches, but there’s no reason you should be punished for it. The best player in the league deserves the MVP and anyone who says otherwise deserves the tehuacanazo.

I just heard Neal Huntington use the TTT defense regarding McCutchen’s MVP chances in an interview on ESPN Radio and I wanted to bash his fucking head in. He said that the true spirit of the award is meant to be given to the player most valuable TTT. It sounded like he was making excuses for McCutchen and was kind of insulting. Very typical of Neal because he is a spineless little bitch. Fuck you! I hope McCutchen bats .400 with 50 homeruns and a 1.6 BPG but they go the MVPTTT route and give it to Carlos Gonzalez instead because everyone else on the Rockies sucks donkey dick.

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