Coaches Meeting 30

An uncensored, behind-the-scenes look at Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin and his staff.
2021 Week 16. Last Week: Pittsburgh 19, Tennessee 13 Next: @Kansas City.

Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin: “Good morning fellas. We pulled off another come from behind victory last week. It wasn’t pretty… but neither is Meryl Streep, and she still gets the job done too.”

Steelers Offensive Coordinator Matt Canada: “Whoa, that’s a low blow on Meryl, eh?”

Tomlin: “Shut up, Matt. When we score a touchdown in the first quarter then maybe we’ll value your opinions.”

Canada: “Soorrie.”

Tomlin: “Apologies aren’t necessary. Only results. While we are on you, please tell us what the fuck happened with Chase Claypool’s lack of production the other day?”

Canada: “Well, we didn’t want a repeat of last week’s showboating, eh? So we made sure to keep his catches to a minimum. I like the progress he’s made, eh?”

Tomlin: “Jesus Christ. We want him catching passes. He’s pretty fucking good at catching passes. We need to keep him heavily involved in the game plan AND cut down on the extra-curriculars.”

Canada: “Soorrie. I think I get it now. Soorrie.”

Tomlin: (Shaking his head in disbelief) “Tell us about this weeks game plan. The Chiefs are a formidible opponent. We need to generate some scoring to keep up with them.”

Canada: “Well the rope-a-dope strategie has been working for us, eh? We figure we keep handing over the ball, let their offense tire themselves out in the first half then Ben goes no huddle and we score 35 points in the 4th quarter. Eh?”

(Tomlin throws a hole punch at Canada. Canada apologizes. Art Rooney II walks into the room.)

Steelers Owner Art Rooney II: “I have bad news. You guys aren’t busy are you?”

Tomlin: (Hanging his head in despair) “What is it Mr. Rooney?”

Rooney: “Did you hear? The Jaguars fired Urban Meyer! We’re fucked.”

Tomlin: “Meyer was apparently a terrible person, and quite frankly a terrible coach at this level. His termination was warranted and is none of our concern.”

Rooney: “No, you don’t get it. He was fired for fingering that hot little blond in that bar. This ‘Me Too’ thing is back! And I do that shit ALL THE TIME. I’ve had my thumbs in so many asses!”

Steelers Defensive Coordinator Keith Butler: “Yeah, Dino’s even named a finger sandwich after you. The One for the Thumb. Scrumptious.”

Rooney: “It’s a great sandwich. But, back to the point guys, I’m going to need our techie nerds to scrub any security footage and any video on the internet of me fingering girls in bars. Who’s our best scrub guy? I’m also going to need a good lawyer.”

Tomlin: “Our technical staff is way too busy for this nonsense. Back to the matter at hand, the Kansas City Chiefs. Keith, I see you finally figured out how to get Devin Bush out of the lineup.”

Butler: “Yeah, he’s on the covid list. We’ve been testing him every hour on the hour for about a fortnight. Finally got us a positive. We’d also been letting Mr. Rooney handle all of his meals.”

Tomlin: “Those tainted thumbs. Smart. But Mr. Rooney, maybe you should think about keeping your hands out of girls’ pants for awhile. At least during the pandemic? And carefull what you handle around our facilities.”

Rooney: “You’re right. I should probably tone it down. I shook a lot of hands at the owner’s meetings last week. Straight from the bars. Twat hand. Jerry and I joked about it.”

Butler: “That explains a lot. Everybody around the league has covid now somethin’ awful.”

Rooney: “Probably just a coincidence. Mike, when you talk to the the techie dorks, send one up to my office. I can’t get to any of the porn sites again.”

Tomlin: “That’s on purpose. We don’t want anybody accessing those sites in our offices. Even you. Malware and things of that nature.”

Butler: (Whispering to Tomlin) “I reckon it might actually keep him distracted. Out of bars. Out of strangers’ pants.”

Tomlin: “Fuck. You might be right.” (Turning to Rooney) We’ll get the pornography back on for you. Just don’t send any to Ben. You know how he gets.”

Rooney: “Fantastic. Merry Christmas to me!”

Tomlin: “Merry Christmas to all you mother-fuckers. Now can we please get back to work? We got a game to win on Sunday.”

Rooney: “Maybe not Sunday. A bunch of Chiefs have covid. What’s your schedule look like on Tuesday or Wednesday?”

Tomlin: God Dammit. Meeting adjouned. Everybody get the fuck out.

Canada: (Shaking Rooney’s hand) “Merry Christmas Mr. Rooney. And Happy Boxing day, eh?”