paterno fuck him1

I’ve written here before that Joe Paterno’s legacy was forever tarnished and I hoped his cancer would spread (It might have– he’s dead.) Paterno knew that Sandusky was doing something “of a sexual nature” to a little boy in the team showers but the incident was never reported to police. Paterno even testified that he waited a couple days before telling anyone. Paterno was an evil scumbag for protecting a child rapist. I say that without even speculating whether he knew of the other allegations against Sandusky in 1998. (He did.) He also let his players shower barefoot in Sandusky’s bloody spouge– but we’ll let that slide in the midst of the more serious matter at hand.

Yesterday was another occasion for the Penn State faithful to fondly remember their evil scumbag. The Catholic Church celebrated one of their own with a special mass for him at St. Patrick Cathedral in Harrisburg, PA. We can all thank Jeremy Lin for not being inundated with coverage of the mass like we were with his funeral a few weeks back. I’ve followed this Penn State Scandal rather intently because HOLY SHIT KIDS WERE GETTING RAPED IN PENN STATES FOOTBALL FACILITIES AND THEY COVERED IT UP it just may be the biggest Sports related story ever. (Sorry Barbaro.) I have read countless articles, blogs and message board posts on the topic and listened to many hours of sports talk about it on the radio and watched Matt Millen cry about it on television. (All of this with blatant disregard for my company’s Internet Acceptable Use Policy.) It astounds me how much Paterno’s supporters still stand by him and even have the gall to paint him as a victim in this scandal. I have read or heard many hilarious excuses that they have offered in his defense for not acting like a decent human being.

I have compiled 100 of these excuses– to underscore the ridiculousness of the pro-Paterno faction. These are real statements that were made in his defense copied word-for-word or paraphrased for brevity and/or clarity. Most are from articles or blog posts or blog comments. Some were heard on the radio and transcribed from memory. All of them are insane.

PLEASE KNOW THAT NONE OF THESE ARE MY OWN OPINIONS NOR THOSE OF SMORGASBURGH.COM. The first is my favorite and actually came from the mouth of Joe Paterno himself. The rest are listed in no particular order.

1. Paterno didn’t know there was such a thing as “rape and a man”.
2. The good that Paterno did in his life outweighs the bad.
3. Sandusky was having consensual sex with the boy.
4. If it was a girl getting raped Paterno would have acted differently.
5. Paterno had a lot going on with the football team at the time.
6. What Sandusky did is so much worse than what Paterno didn’t do.
7. Paterno only says he wished he would have done more to take the fall for others.
8. Paterno was just being loyal and protecting Sandusky because he’s a really good friend.
9. Sandusky didn’t work for Paterno at the time so this was none of Paterno’s business.
10. The Board of Trustees gave Sandusky permission to be on campus not Paterno.
11. McQueary was lying to blackmail Paterno into giving him a coaching position.
12. McQueary just saw Sandusky naked with the boy but didn’t actually see any sex.
13. There is nothing wrong with a grown man hugging a boy in the shower.
14. McQueary had no idea if the boy was underage or not.
15. McQueary wasn’t specific enough when describing the incident to Paterno.
16. Paterno is catholic so he wouldn’t know what anal sex is.
17. The slapping sex sounds that McQueary thought he heard could have just been stuff falling on the floor.
18. Paterno told his superiors and that is enough.
19. Paterno didn’t want to interfere with the investigation.
20. Paterno didn’t want to jeopardize the investigation.
21. Paterno told the campus police and that is enough.
22. Paterno thought Sandusky was just horsing around with kids in the showers.
23. It would have been morally wrong for Paterno to follow up with his superiors on the investigation.
24. Paterno thought that his superiors were pursuing the matter.
25. Paterno thought that the issue was investigated and nothing serious came of it.
26. Everybody is overreacting to what Sandusky did.
27. You wouldn’t have done anything more than what Paterno did.
28. Second Mile was more responsible for Sandusky’s actions than Paterno was.
29. Other people that McQueary told should have told the police and didn’t either.
30. McQueary’s story changed so many times that it is unclear what he really saw.
31. Paterno was not charged with any crimes.
32. Sandusky is innocent until proven guilty.
33. Only one of the eleven victims is actually claiming that he was raped—the others were just fondled.
34. Paterno didn’t want to ruin anyone’s weekend by telling them what McQueary had seen.
35. McQueary didn’t think it was serious enough to call the police, so why should Paterno.
36. Pitt fans are just being jealous.
37. What Tressel did at Ohio State was worse.
38. Paterno is dead so it is not fair to criticize someone who can’t defend himself.
39. Everyone makes mistakes.
40. Paterno was only human.
41. Paterno is better than 99.999% of the population.
42. Paterno helped more young children in his life than Sandusky hurt.
43. Paterno was confused about what McQueary was trying to tell him.
44. Paterno was not qualified to deal with what McQueary told him.
45. Paterno didn’t have any power over the other administrators at Penn State.
46. The DA’s office investigated Sandusky and didn’t think any crimes were committed.
47. Paterno was only acting on hearsay anyway.
48. How is a football coach supposed to carry on an investigation into child rape?
49. How is a football coach supposed to know how to console a child who was abused?
50. What if Paterno approached Sandusky but McQueary was wrong?
51. The campus police is the authority over State College and Paterno had contacted them.
52. Paterno used all of his power for everyone else’s benefit—never his own.
53. Unless you are doing anything to help children right now, then don’t blame Paterno.
54. Everyone that is critical of Paterno is getting the facts wrong.
55. Everyone that is critical of Paterno is just a Penn State hater.
56. The media is out to get Joe Paterno.
57. Being a football coach doesn’t empower Paterno to bring criminals to justice.
58. The Penn State campus is not Paterno’s property.
59. Paterno built the campus a new library.
60. Everyone in Pennsylvania loves Paterno like a grandfather.
61. The DA should have arrested Sandusky a long time ago.
62. The Board of Trustees should have known about Sandusky and reported it to police.
63. All Paterno had was third hand information.
64. Nobody knows what really happened.
65. Nobody knows what McQueary really told Paterno.
66. Paterno set up the meeting between McQueary and Curley and that was enough.
67. Remember the Duke Lacrosse team!
68. Paterno wasn’t the one molesting kids.
69. Paterno was a cooperating witness for the DA.
70. Would you believe a coworker if they told you your best friend was raping a little boy?
71. McQueary never actually used the word “rape”.
72. McQueary never actually used the phrase “anal sex”.
73. Joe Paterno is a saint.
74. Paterno was from a different era where they handled things on their own.
75. Penn Staters never rat on their own.
76. Paterno did the best that he could.
77. It was a difficult situation that none of you would have known how to handle.
78. Paterno did follow up with his superiors a few weeks later so what more should he have done?
79. Paterno raised billions of dollars for the university.
80. Paterno built a Spiritual Center for the university.
81. Everyone is just looking for someone to blame in this horrible tragedy.
82. Paterno is the victim of a moral witch hunt.
83. Some things are so private to people like the Paterno’s that they wouldn’t dare speak of them.
84. Paterno had known Jerry Sandusky as a good man, admirable to his football team.
85. Paterno didn’t want to muddy up the case by following up.
86. Paterno didn’t want to show any favoritism so he stayed out of it.
87. The investigation was confidential, so Paterno had no idea whether or not the police were involved.
88. Paterno had no reason not to trust Curley and Schultz to do the right thing.
89. Paterno’s firing was just a PR move by the Board of Trustees.
90. Paterno did not want to hear the explicit details, which is why he passed the buck.
91. It was hardly obvious that a crime was even committed.
92. If Paterno was at Pearl Harbor, he would’ve flooded the Pennsylvania’s drydock to put out the fires.
93. Joe Paterno was not a genocidal maniac.
94.  PSU Campus Police are the only force legally empowered to deal with crime on the PSU campus.
95. If Paterno confronted Sandusky it would’ve given the Defense an avenue for him to beat the charges.
96. It is easy to be brave when criticizing others from the safety of Facebook or texting.
97. His actions were entirely reasonable and in line with what almost every other person would’ve done.
98. Just because Joe was the figurehead it doesn’t mean he was freakin’ Chuck Norris up there.
99. Shame on these judgmental pismires who’ll never in their lives do a wisp of the good Paterno did.
100. Joe Paterno is old school.

Follow us on twitter for updates on new posts.