THE DONG SHOW

HERE IT IS!  SMORGASBURGH EXCLUSIVE!!!  We have the only picture of Civic Arena men’s room troughs without any dongs in it (dongs have been photoshopped out).   As we wait for the arena’s demolition I wanted to give the troughs their due.  What memories!  Concentrating oh so carefully to take a leak while not making any eye contact or inadvertently seeing someone else’s penis.  There was always one crazy drunk guy who stood at the very end of the trough, though, peeing perpendicularly to everyone else.  He was all like “I’M CROSSING ALL Y’ALL STREAMS MOTHERFUCKERS!  HA HA HA.  AND I’M LOOKING AT YOUR DICKS!”  That guy was hilarious!  You almost didn’t mind him looking at your dick.

I’ll never forget my first time at a hockey game, just a little kid walking in to take a leak (WTF Dad?  You can’t just let little kids into public restrooms all alone with crazy drunks eyeing up everyone’s dicks!).  Anyway I remember seeing the troughs and thinking “You pee in THERE???”  So I stood in line for the toilet.  MISSED THE ENTIRE SECOND PERIOD.  But it wasn’t long before I was huddled around the trough peeing with confidence.  LINE? WHAT LINE?  Squeeze right in.  If you could see any of the trough—that was enough to room to pee in it.  Just one big mass of bodies jostling for position like we’re at the airport luggage conveyor.  NOBODY TOUCHES MY BAG.  Best part?—no flushing.  So you didn’t have to wash your hands!  But they’re gone forever now.  Except the ones they use to hold the sundae fixins’ at Max & Erma’s.  (By the way, is there any less sanitary way for a restaurant to dispense ice cream than letting everyone scoop their own—elbow deep—from some giant open container that sits out in the middle of the restaurant all day?  Oh, yes, by all means let your kids do it, too.  Like they haven’t been wiping snot on their sleeve all day .  Sidenote:  I always let my kids do it.)

The troughs will go down in Pittsburgh lore with the rest of the Arena.  Now Consol has fancy schmancy urinals.  Ooh la, la!  Look at us!  We’re standing in single file lines like fucking idiots at a parking garage pay station who could have just used a credit card from their car.  We flush too and wash our hands with lavender scented hand lotion.  What’s next?  Somebody at the sinks to hand out towels?  I suppose we have to tip him too?  THANKS JEEVES.  BOY THAT INTERFERENCE CALL ON MARTIN WAS BULLSHIT, HUH?  Jeeves wouldn’t know, though, because he’s stuck in the can the whole game.  Handing out towels.  LOOKING AT OUR DICKS.

I am not one of those who thought the Arena should have been preserved.  Tear that shit down already!  If they had spared it, however, I think they should have handed it over to homeless people.  Let them all gather in there.  They may have ended up creating their own functional, civil society OR………….. possibly………… THUNDERDOME!   I would totally buy season tickets.

Goodbye Arena! Thanks for the memories.

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