Well it’s baseball season but since I don’t give a shit about a sport that revolves around payroll discrepancies (you’re fooling yourself if you don’t think big market teams have an advantage), I will just occasionally tell random personal stories about past experiences at Pirates games. Though I am not a fan of the team or the sport in general (sitting through my kid’s two and a half hour little league games that always seem to coincide with Pens playoff games don’t help endear me to it) I have actually been to a lot of Pirates games. During high-school and college I worked for them part-time as a minimum wage pee-on doing odd jobs on game days. I probably went to every home game during those years (albeit as an employee). There were some notable moments that I will probably write about at some point (it’s a freaking long season) but for the most part the job was uneventful.
I’ve been watching a lot of the NHL Network lately—and I have to say that it is freaking fantastic. (I just recently started watching it after upgrading my cable package.) What sets them apart is how they show highlights. Most of the time on “NHL Tonight” or “NHL on the Fly” the highlights are played without any annoying voice-overs and without any background music. IMAGINE THAT! Sports highlights without any techno music! ESPN not only has loud shitty music but they also have fifteen people talking over the highlights and as many graphics, captions and crawls as they can fit on the screen. OH PLEASE RAPE ALL MY SENSES WHY DON’T YOU? On the NHL Network highlight shows, the focus is on the actual on-ice action. The only voices you hear over the highlights are those of the actual in-game announcers recorded during the game. Hockey has the best announcers too since the action is fairly fast-paced and non-stop so there is little time for banter and stupid inane comments. Unfortunately, though, sometimes NHL Tonight does revert to the ESPN formula and the hosts provide commentary over the highlights and they play music too—but they don’t do it often and I think it’s only with the later showings. (I don’t know why they do it at all and I certainly hope they don’t make a habit of it.) In addition to highlights, NHL Tonight also offers frequent “Live Look-Ins” on current games for several minutes at a time. It is by far the best nightly sports show.
That check by Joe Vitale on the Flyers Danny Briere was AWESOME BABY! (That has yet to catch on when I scream it at the games by the way.) However, the Pens do find themselves on a bit of a slide so I figure this would be a great time to reflect back on their last Cup run before we embark upon another. Here are the 10 Biggest Moments of that 2008/2009 season (as decided by Smorgasburgh.com) in chronological order:
Someone in the NFL finally realized that their Instant Replay Review process was sorely in need of an overhaul. Not which plays are reviewed and why– but HOW the plays are reviewed. Someone FINALLY decided that the whole charade of a referee walking all the way across the field to a peep show booth on the sideline, putting on the Pauly D headphones and eating a sandwich under a tarp while reviewing a play was the MOST INEFFICIENT PROCESS IN THE WORLD. And this all starts AFTER said referee walked all the way to midfield just to announce to everyone that the play is going to be reviewed and that now would be a good time to pop in a Rosetta Stone DVD if you’re watching at home. Now that someone realized the error of their ways– it will be a slam dunk to revamp the process, right?
FUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK!!! Oh God that felt so good! First time I’ve ever said it out loud. (weeps) Hello God! You remember me, don’t you? It’s Tim. You remember your most faithful fucking servant, don’t you? Or maybe you don’t? I don’t know anymore. I kind of think maybe you fucking don’t give a shit. I praised you EVERY CHANCE I had. You know how ridiculous I looked with bible verses in my eye black? My teammates beat the shit out of me. I’m still a virgin too because of you! I have two National Championships– you know how much ass that could have gotten me? Did you see my girlfriend? You know how hard it is not to fuck that! I am totally fucking her tonite! WITH A CONDOM! Hell, I’m fucking EVERYONE tonite! Dudes, too! Gronkowski has sex ALL THE TIME! I know because he texts me every time. And you let him go to the Super Bowl! What do I get? NO SUPER BOWL! NO PRO BOWL! I came so close but apparently you miraculously healed Roethlisberger’s fucking ankle. I guess he’s your PRODIGAL SON. What am I? Job??? AND NOW I’M OUT OF DENVER!!! The Fuck? You let Manning replace me? Manning? That greedy inbred! How could you? You know they are giving him $96 Million? I bet you’re not seeing a dime of that, either. God damn it! I TITHE! I would have totally hooked you up. But instead you keep fucking me over. (Shotguns a Yoo-hoo) I am getting so fucked up tonite! I might even perform an abortion. What else are you going to do to fuck with me? Trade me to Cleveland? Go for it. I don’t give a fuck anymore. (vomits) Let’s go, Mom.
UPDATE – 03/21/12: I posted this before Tebow was traded to the Jets but I have to imagine backing up Sanchez only compounds the suffering.
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