THE GREATEST NFL ROSTER EVER

Why are there no Sumo wrestlers in the NFL? Because they are fat and slow and one-dimensional and would waste a valuable roster spot that someone more athletic and versatile could be occupying. But WHAT IF there were no roster limitations? What if instead of 46, you could dress like 146 players on game day? Well, now…THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

As we eagerly anticipate the NFL Draft, I’ll answer that age old question—how can we load up an NFL roster with FREAKS to make the best team ever? Only 2 rules: (1) No limit to roster size, salary cap or the number of players that can dress on game day. (2) All other current NFL rules are still in effect. (So you can’t just load up on midgets to throw over the line into the endzone on 1st and goal because it is illegal to pick up another player and throw him.)

This is how I would build my team.

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THE 2012 PIRATES – DEFECATING ALL OVER ABNER DOUBLEDAY

The Pittsburgh Pirates offensive futility this season has been absolutely stunning, and no one knows about it more than their very own pitching staff.

In terms of offense so far this season, the Pirates are aiming to cap off their full two decade losing streak by also targeting some new offensive record lows.  They currently sit last in the entire league in average, on-base percentage, slugging, and on-base + slugging.  They are also dead last in runs.  I pause here to note that they are an astounding 9 runs behind the 29th place team.  The last place list continues with hits (10 behind the 29th place team), doubles, homeruns, RBIs (11 behind the 29th place team), and walks.  That is 10 total offensive categories in which the Pirate rank dead last in a league of 30 teams.

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NCAA – CELEBRATING 100 YEARS OF THE STUDENT ATHLETE

There are over 360,000 NCAA Student Athletes.

And just about all of them will be going pro in something other than sports.

Over the last 100 years the NCAA has helped millions of student athletes find their powers outside the field, court and rink.

Take 25-year-old Jessica Dorrell– student athlete at Arkansas.

Jessica was a star Volleyball player for the Razorbacks.

She majored in finance and marketing.

Then this NCAA student athlete turned pro at fucking old married guys like Razorbacks football coach Bobby Petrino.

She taught him cool new things like how viagra acts faster when used as a suppository and how to delay ejaculation during anal with someone 30 years younger than your wife by reciting the Arkansas fight song backwards.

Then she taught him how to text with his left hand while riding his motorcycle so he wouldn’t have to take his hand off the accelerator.

But maybe that last one wasn’t such a good idea.

The NCAA. Making us all proud of student athletes…for over 100 years.

Follow us on twitter for updates on more stupid shit.

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SO…UHH…THIS HAPPENED TO ME AT A PIRATES GAME ONCE

Well it’s baseball season but since I don’t give a shit about a sport that revolves around payroll discrepancies (you’re fooling yourself if you don’t think big market teams have an advantage), I will just occasionally tell random personal stories about past experiences at Pirates games. Though I am not a fan of the team or the sport in general (sitting through my kid’s two and a half hour little league games that always seem to coincide with Pens playoff games don’t help endear me to it) I have actually been to a lot of Pirates games. During high-school and college I worked for them part-time as a minimum wage pee-on doing odd jobs on game days. I probably went to every home game during those years (albeit as an employee). There were some notable moments that I will probably write about at some point (it’s a freaking long season) but for the most part the job was uneventful.

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ESPN CAUSES FACE CANCER

I’ve been watching a lot of the NHL Network lately—and I have to say that it is freaking fantastic. (I just recently started watching it after upgrading my cable package.) What sets them apart is how they show highlights. Most of the time on “NHL Tonight” or “NHL on the Fly” the highlights are played without any annoying voice-overs and without any background music. IMAGINE THAT! Sports highlights without any techno music! ESPN not only has loud shitty music but they also have fifteen people talking over the highlights and as many graphics, captions and crawls as they can fit on the screen. OH PLEASE RAPE ALL MY SENSES WHY DON’T YOU? On the NHL Network highlight shows, the focus is on the actual on-ice action. The only voices you hear over the highlights are those of the actual in-game announcers recorded during the game. Hockey has the best announcers too since the action is fairly fast-paced and non-stop so there is little time for banter and stupid inane comments. Unfortunately, though, sometimes NHL Tonight does revert to the ESPN formula and the hosts provide commentary over the highlights and they play music too—but they don’t do it often and I think it’s only with the later showings. (I don’t know why they do it at all and I certainly hope they don’t make a habit of it.) In addition to highlights, NHL Tonight also offers frequent “Live Look-Ins” on current games for several minutes at a time. It is by far the best nightly sports show.

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