I have not posted for quite some time and surely many of you were thinking I was dead. You will be happy to know that I am alive and well. When I do die, my wife has strict instructions to post one last tirade that I have written to tell everybody that I know and hate to go fuck themselves. It will be more vile and self-serving than anything else I have ever written. I can’t wait.

Now let’s talk about the Draft! I used to have a boring job where I just sat around all day killing time and back then I would read all kinds of shit about the draft and do all kinds of research and know most of the players that were drafted in the top 3 rounds. Now I have a job with much more responsiblity and it keeps me way too busy to kill any time on the Internet at all. Guess what? I liked the good old days and the boring-ass job TEN TIMES BETTER. I think I would have made a great Night Watchman. You know Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? I’m good with just the bottom tier. I don’t need any of that belonging or esteem or purpose or self-actualization bullshit. Just food and shelter and beer and TV. Maslow is a fucking idiot.

You know what else I don’t need? ESPN.com. No thanks, ESPN.com, I am not paying for your mock drafts. Who the hell pays to be an ESPN.com “insider”? Doesn’t everybody already know that you can get useless information for free all over the Internet? Why is ESPN still trying to sell this shit?

Speaking of free useless information, if you came here to find out who the Steelers are drafting then you’re in the wrong place. I myself just tried googling mock drafts to try to figure it out. I have been following college football less and less each year (yay, College Football Playoff, you guys!) because College Football has gotten less entertaining over the years and Saturdays are usually the day that I use to get shit done so I can sit on my ass and watch football all day on Sunday. If the College Football Playoff ever extends from 4 to 8 or 16 teams then I will get behind it and probably watch it. (At least until the novelty wears off and I’m back to complaining about how much it sucks again.) I am a Pitt fan, though, and I look forward to Labor Day against FSU. I also root against Penn State because Penn State is a horrible place that harbors child molestors.

Since I have no idea who the Steelers should take in the first round, here is who they should NOT be taking:

1. Quarterback. I think we’re pretty much set there. Plus the quarterback class sucks this year. I love it when someone like Matt Barkley’s stock nosedives in their senior year. Any kid that passes on a fortune to stay and play college ball for free is a FUCKING MORON.

2. Running Back. By now everybody knows that Running Backs can be had in later rounds and guys like Adrian Peterson are one in a million and it’s not worth gambling on one in the first round that probably has too much tread on his tires already anyway (like Eddie Lacy). Rumor is Eddie Lacy wants to retire already.

3. Manti Teo. I have to admit that I am a shallow person and I can’t wait to crack wise at the expense of the team that drafts this freakshow. Some poor fanbase is going to feel like shit for a long time after this weekend. I hope it’s the Jets. There is something that just feels so right about having Jets fans pissed at the world.

4. Guard. In what little free time I get at work to browse the Internet, I do keep reading about a couple can’t-miss guards that some fans are hoping the Steelers take. The top Guard prospects are Alabama’s Chance Warmack and North Carolina’s Jonathan Cooper. I just can’t see the Steelers investing another high pick on the interior line after taking Pouncey and DiCastro in recent years even if one of these guys fall to them.

5. Kicker or Punter. It goes without saying that kickers and punters should never ever be drafted in the first or second or third rounds. Now that Al Davis is dead, we may never see it happen again and that is a damn shame. Our only hope is if someone hires fuckface Matt Millen. I hope it’s the Jets! FINGERS CROSSED. (ESPN needs to do a 30 for 30 on how awful a GM Matt Millen was.)

Any other position is pretty much a need for the Steelers. Linebacker, Defensive Line, Safety and Wide Receiver especially. I also wouldn’t mind seeing them take an Offensive Tackle if the right opportunity presented itself. They need to keep Roethlisberger healthy and give him time to throw and Marcus Gilbert seems injury-prone.

This is an interesting draft because the Steelers are picking higher than usual and nobody knows who they are targeting. We’ll just have to wait till tomorrow night to find out. The only thing we do know for sure is that ESPN is going to trot out Ray Lewis at some point and he’s going to talk to us all about Jesus for 45 minutes.

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You could probably call me one of the biggest Pittsburgh homers in the city even though I currently reside out of town. I praise the sports teams (yes, even the Pirates), the cost of living, the great schools, and the wonderful neighborhoods. OK, so I gripe about the boy mayor and the ridiculous taxes property owners have to pay, and even the antiquated liquor laws. But I don’t display an over-the-top passion like some do. Even I, at times, can take a step back and say—this idea is kind of crazy.

I bring this up because of the hysteria that pervaded the city a few weeks ago about bringing the Summer Olympics into the region. If you missed the hoopla—the Olympic Committee sent letters to 35 cities inquiring about their interest in hosting and bidding on the games. I should probably disclose that I’m not a big fan of the Olympic games, except for hockey. I think Olympic hockey is an incredible showcase for the NHL. Maybe the reason I enjoy it is because it’s a highly competitive team sport featuring athletes that I have actually seen play.

The tourism board of Pittsburgh, the Mayor’s Office, county politicians, and the media were in a frenzy about the possibility and the honor of hosting a worldwide event. The two main reasons were the exposure the city would receive along with the financial boon to the region.

First, Pittsburgh doesn’t need any more recognition—people all over the world, even in Yemen, have heard of Pittsburgh. Steelernation, baby! And for the non-football enthusiast, how many times have they heard about the city being the “most livable city”? Seems like every week, I’m hearing about a new publication that ranks Pittsburgh as a top city for this or that. In fact, just this week, a magazine named Pittsburgh as one of the up-and-coming downtown areas. Last week, it was PNC Park receiving accolades for being the best ballpark in America.  So I think we can all agree that Pittsburgh doesn’t need anymore primping—I think any more publicity, it can have a reverse effect—people could start to resent us. When you’re on the top, people want to tear you down. It’s a common psychological reaction.

That brings us to the economic benefits. Yes, you will bring in tourists and those people will spend money in your region, sleep in your hotels, eat at restaurants and drink at the bars. But I’ve read reports that it could cost $3 billion to get the region ready to host the big games. This includes the cost of improving the infrastructure and adding appropriate facilities, like a tennis stadium, an aquatics center, a cycling dome, and a track-and-field facility, and even building the Olympic Village to host nearly 17,000 athletes. The U.S. Olympic Committee also suggests having 45,000 hotel rooms—Pittsburgh has only 24,000.

Who’s going to pony up the money for that? We can’t even get UPMC to pay their fair share of property taxes even though they are a billion dollar corporation. The taxpayers may end up picking up the tab. As much as I believed that PNC Park and Heinz Field were necessary to be built, it cost us and we’re still paying the tab for it. Can the region’s residents afford to pick up the cost for a 17-day event just for more notoriety?

Forget these construction costs… it costs money just to bid on the games to win the right to host it! Chicago spent over $100 million in its losing campaign to host the Summer Games in 2016. Chicago continues to have problems with its public education system—do you think they could have used some of that $100 million to remedy some of their issues?

If your city unfortunately wins the bid to host the games, when the games are over, your left with a bunch of venues to fill. And we’re taking huge venues. Once the games are over, not only do you have to try to fill these large venues, but they also occupy a great deal of real estate—real estate that could be used for other purposes. These facilities also cost millions to maintain. Again—where is all this money coming from?

Case in point—Olympic Stadium in Montreal. Montreal is a great city—but Olympic Stadium is an eyesore that muddies its skyline. Also, did you know that Olympic Stadium was finished 11 years after the Olympic games? Sure it was built in the 70s when multipurpose stadiums were all the rage.  But it was built specifically for the Olympics—and once the Olympics were over, they stuck the Expos in there. I watched a baseball game there once—I can’t remember if it was the Expos-Pirates, but I do recall that it was one of the worst places to watch a baseball game. Oh, and they finally did pay down their debt—30 years after the games!

Athens hosted the Olympics in 2004. Their budget was 4.5 billion euros, but the actual cost was 8.954 billion euros! Twice the fricking amount! What the hell, Athens—think that’s one of the reasons why the entire economy imploded? The entire state has yet to recover from this debacle. And Vancouver? Those poor Canucks—they decided to convert their Olympic Village into condos and homes. Guess what? It’s now deserted. The games cost them $4 billion and the then the recession hit their region. Again, do you think that the exorbitant costs had something to do with that? Nagano? They had the Winter Olympics in 1998. Soon after, a recession hit their city. According to CNBC, the games cost $30,000 per family in the city.

Hosting the Olympic Games in Pittsburgh is an idea that should never be brought up again. The city has made too much progress over the past several decades and cannot afford a setback. It could be disastrous. Let’s end the talk and focus on more important matters—like bringing the Super Bowl here. And give Cleveland the Olympics.

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Next year’s NHL Eastern conference will have 16 teams competing for 8 playoff spots while the West will have only 14 teams also competing for 8 playoff spots. Mathematically, each team in the West has a 7% better chance of making the playoffs than teams in the East. That is ASININE. You know who does that? BASEBALL. MLB did that for years with unbalanced leagues. Baseball did that because they are stupid and awful and they hate the fans. They finally fixed it by moving the woeful Houston Astros to the American League this year (essentially crippling the Pirates chances at ever having a winning season ever again). Why would the NHL do something so stupid? Time zones. They claim that the new alignment allows for less time zone conflicts and cheaper travel costs. For example, as it stands now, Dallas is in the central time zone, but has to compete with four other teams in the Pacific division which are all in the Pacific time zone. As I’ll illustrate below, there is a better way to fix this and still keep each conference with 15 teams apiece.

Another major issue with the re-alignment is that the Detroit Red Wings, one of the original six and a team that has been in the Western Conference since 1974, is being moved to the East. They will no longer share a division with rivals Chicago (also an original six team) and St. Louis. The young Nashville Predators, who beat the Red Wings in the first round last season, are denied a chance to establish a rivalry with the storied Detroit franchise. (By the way, Nashville has the best home uniforms in all of sports. If I was twelve, they would be my favorite team because of those jerseys.) Columbus and Winnipeg are also switching conferences, but that is not as big a deal for them as they aren’t as established as the Red Wings. Some might argue that it will be nice to see the Red Wings play teams like the Penguins and the Bruins more often, but with the new re-alignment the NHL has pledged to have more inter-conference games, so that was going to happen anyway.

Here are the new Divisions:

West
A. Anaheim, Calgary, Edmonton, Los Angeles, Phoenix, San Jose and Vancouver
B. Chicago, Colorado, Dallas, Minnesota, Nashville, St. Louis and Winnipeg

East
C. Boston, Buffalo, Detroit, Florida, Montreal, Ottawa, Tampa and Toronto
D. Carolina, Columbus, New Jersey, Rangers, Islanders, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Washington

The top 3 teams in each division make the playoffs and then there are 2 wildcards in each conference. Notice the discrepancy with the East having TWO MORE TEAMS THAN THE WEST.

This is my proposal and it would have made much more sense:

West
A. Anaheim, Los Angeles, Phoenix, San Jose and Colorado
B. Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver, Winnipeg and Minnesota (Most Minnesotans think they’re Canadian anyway.)
C. Chicago, Detroit, Nashville, St. Louis and Dallas

East
D. Boston, Buffalo, Montreal, Ottawa and Toronto
E. New Jersey, Rangers, Islanders, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh
F. Florida, Tampa, Carolina, Washington and Columbus

Each division winner and 5 wildcard teams in each conference make the playoffs and are seeded 1 thru 8 based on total points regardless of division standing. So the winner of division F could actually be the 8th seed if they have the 8th most points among playoff teams in the East.

My proposal only involves Winnipeg and Columbus switching conferences and Dallas and Colorado switching divisions. These moves would solve a lot of the time zone and travel issues, while not being nearly as drastic as the NHL’s actual changes. It also keeps the number of teams in each conference at 15 apiece. My proposal is so much better and it only took me about 10 minutes to figure it out. FUCK YOU BETTMAN YOU DUMB GOOCH. The only way the NHL’s plan would make sense is if they contracted and got rid of Columbus and Florida, but that would never happen. That would leave them with 4 divisions of 7 teams each and they could have the top 4 in each division make the playoffs. That would be nice and tidy. Their actual plan is anything but.

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The Steelers already lost starting Wide Receiver Mike Wallace when the Miami Dolphins overpaid him at an average of $12M per year. (He’s set to earn about $40M of his new contract in the next three years. That’s Flacco money!) Letting Wallace go at that price was the right move. The Steelers didn’t have room under the salary cap to pay him anywhere near that. With Wallace gone, the Steelers are left with only Antonio Brown, Plaxico Burress and Jerricho Cotchery as NFL caliber receivers on their roster.

Emmanuel Sanders is a restricted free agent and is currently being courted by the New England Patriots. He would likely be the starter opposite Antonio Brown if he returned to the Steelers. If he left, the Steelers would receive a late 3rd round pick as compensation and a gaping hole in their roster where two of their best receivers from last year had been. Also, don’t forget that the great Heath Miller, Steelers veteran TE, is recovering from a serious knee injury and may not be available for the start of the season. As much as some Steeler fans like to think the Steelers need to stick with smash-mouth football anyway and run the ball 60% of the time—that recipe for offense just does not work in the NFL anymore. Even the Ravens took to the air to win the Super Bowl last season. (It still doesn’t seem real that the Ravens won the Super Bowl last season. I fully expected the earth to open up and swallow us all into its fiery core immediately after the game ended. Instead we are all left to suffer through these dark times.)

Anyone thinking the Steelers can draft a wide receiver in the first round to step in and contribute right away is overly optimistic. Even the best young receivers need a couple years in the NFL to learn the game. The draft is not the answer to fill the Steelers’ immediate needs if Sanders does depart. So who is left out there in unrestricted free agency to fill the hole? The options are limited.

Steve Breaston – The Steelers already brought this Pittsburgh native in for a visit, but it seems that injury will keep him off any NFL roster this season.

Brandon Lloyd – Not a good sign if the Patriots let him go in order to make room for Sanders. I’ve always been enamored with Lloyd’s abilities to make acrobatic catches, but the fact that he’s bounced around from team to team over the years leads me to believe that this guy has too many question marks.

Josh Cribbs – Cribbs has never been much of a receiver with the Cleveland Browns, but he is a speedy, versatile player who is also a dangerous returner. I’d prefer someone who played more of a role at receiver, though.

Darrius Heyward-Bey – This former first rounder has underperformed with the Raiders. (He was a reach in the first round.) He does have excellent speed, but I prefer someone with better hands.

Kevin Walter – This guy has put up solid numbers with the Texans—although he was opposite one of the best in the game in Andre Johnson. If we needed a slot guy, he would be my choice—but he’s 31 now and I just don’t see him as a viable replacement for Sanders.

Donte Stallworth – Injured in a hot air balloon crash. I have no interest in him, but just wanted to mention that an NFL player was injured in a hot air balloon crash. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR LIVING ON THE EDGE! At least he didn’t kill anybody this time.

Early Doucet – After a breakout season in 2011, he had a terrible 2012, but the Cardinals had Quarterback issues all season. The knock on him is that he drops too many passes, though. Otherwise he would be my number one choice to sign and can probably be had for the veteran minimum.

Laurent Robinson – He’s only 27 years old and he has great size at 6’2”. He had a great year in Dallas before signing a huge contract with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Problem is that he underperformed in Jacksonville and was recently cut with his character being called into question. Not good.

Domenik Hixon – He has spent the last 5 seasons behind much better receivers on the New York Giants’ depth chart. He is 6’2” and only 28 years old, but he’s never caught more than two touchdowns in a season and is known more for his skills as a kick returner than a receiver. He has already turned down a contract offer with the Lions, so it is possible he is looking for more money than the Steelers will be willing to spend.

David Nelson – He’s tall (6’5”) and young and comes from a big program in Florida, but he had very unimpressive numbers with the Buffalo Bills in his first three seasons and is coming off a serious knee injury.

A couple more negatives that all ten of these guys have when compared with Sanders is that none of them have built up a rapport with Ben Roethlisberger and none of them have a year under their belt in Todd Haley’s offensive system. (Early Doucet played for him for a year with the Cardinals, but that was a long time ago.) The Steelers are much better off keeping Sanders rather than taking a chance on any of these free agents. They have not brought any receivers other than Breaston in for a visit, so they are probably thinking along the same vein. If the Patriots do end up offering Sanders a contract, the Steelers would be wise to match it.

Losing Mike Wallace and breaking up the “Young Money” threesome may actually yield some positives for the team. Antonio Brown and Emmanuel Sanders have both had costly drops and fumbles last season. Wallace’s contract dispute with the Steelers was likely a distraction, especially among the young wide receivers. Cotchery and Burress may be better role models for those younger guys to keep them in line and keep their heads in the game. And with Wallace gone, the incentive of being a starter and earning a long term contract, may be enough for Sanders to step up his game. The Steelers may be able to move on without Wallace (and spend that money elsewhere), but they can’t afford to lose both him and Sanders. At the very least, keeping Sanders gives the Steelers some stability at the receiver position for at least another year, while anyone they draft learns the ropes. They may be able to lose him a year from now— but they cannot afford to lose him now.

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Hello Pittsburgh friends everyone. Geno whisper because he no feel so good. Concussion hurt like motherfucker. I throwing up more than Russian supermodel on Mercedes-Benz fashion week. I know from dating many skinny models— not gay. Also very bad headaches. Feels just like old times when I drink too much of Uncle Nikolai’s vodka and then next morning Uncle Nikolai smack me in head with can of borscht for drinking too much his vodka. I never have concussion before. Doctor tell me no television. No books. No computer. Just sit still and let mind go blank. Easy for me—I just pretend in team meeting learning Bylsma’s system. I ask Doctor if I could do sex and he just laugh. What the fuck that mean??? Does he try to say “course you cannot have sex because orgasm will kill you?” Or does he try to say “course you can have sex. Only way I tell you cannot have sex is if Russian policeman chop off your penis.” In Russian hospital we have many pamphlets about life after policeman chop off your penis. So I have no idea about sex with concussion and Sid is no help. I ask him and he say he stay celibate during season anyway to make sure that sex no fuck with his mechanics. Sid take hockey way too serious. Lighten up, kid! In Russia they kidnap baby sister and put her finger in locker to remind you to win at all costs and we still not take hockey as serious as Sid. They would love Sid in Russia. Concussion no fun at all. Feel weak and tired. Now I know how Ovie must feel since he stop doing Drago milkshakes. I hope I get back on ice soon. Would be shame for James Neal not to have all my glory to steal. Ha ha! Just kidding. James is good player. He does good job and I not mind him benefit from my pinpoint passing. He can steal glory from me anytime as long as we win the games. Just better not steal any of my women while I not sex them up. In Russian hospital they also have pamphlets about life after teammate cut off your penis for stealing girlfriend. Russia still very fucked up place. Must rest now. Goodnight Pittsburgh.

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Before we get to Dan Marino, I just wanted to swallow my pride and say that the Ravens’ Super Bowl run was very impressive. After beating the Colts at home they beat two future Hall of Fame quarterbacks on the road in Denver and New England. Then they beat the San Francisco 49ers who were clearly the best team in the NFC. Well done. Although it still doesn’t change the fact that Ray Lewis has blood on his hands.

Anyway, speaking of fathers of illegitimate children…

Dan Marino approached me once and tried to start a conversation, but I was too busy and pretty much blew him off. I’m that important. This was right in the middle of his stellar career too. When he was the best QB on the planet. That’s how I fucking roll.

I was in high school at the time, playing rhythm guitar in our high school’s jazz band (NERRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!!). We were playing a charity function and Dan Marino was there. He had donated a lot of stuff to be auctioned for this charity—autographed footballs, jerseys, etc. Anyway we were put in the corner and were just playing really quiet background music. ATMOSPHERE, FOLKS! We were also given strict instructions not to fraternize with any of the guests. At one point during the night, Dan the Man (that’s what we called him back then), who was probably just trying to get away from all the rich assholes asking him if he’ll ever win a Super Bowl, walked over by his lonesome and stood there listening to us play. We were all shitting bricks and whispering to each other—it’s Dan Marino guys…keep it cool! Anyway after a minute or two of him nursing a drink and soaking up all the smooth jazz, he walked over to me JUST ME, FUCKERS and said, “Hey, did you see they’re auctioning off an Eddie Van Halen guitar over there?” HOLY SHIT. The best Quarterback of all time was trying to start up a conversation with me! And I was all like “WHAT THE FUCK, DAN? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A PERFORMANCE? I don’t mosey on over to you while you’re calling signals at the line of scrimmage all like ‘hey did you see Joe Montana is doing the half-time show for NBC?’ And I don’t come up to you while you’re all nailing some skank who’s not your wife all like ‘hey did you know that Trojan uses a new pleasure charged-lubricant on their ribbed rubbers now?’ NO, DAN. I DON’T FUCK WITH YOUR SHIT SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE WHEN I AM ENTERTAINING THE MASSES! Put on your Isotoners and take a walk!”

Actually I just smiled and said ‘yes’ and then wet my pants. I may have also gotten a boner.

Anyway, he’s kind of a dick for humiliating his wife and family. USE PROTECTION, FOR FUCKSSAKE!

Now let’s just take a moment and ponder Marino’s career. Because we get all serious on this site every now and then. He pretty much owned every passing record in the league when he retired, yet only played in one Super Bowl (and lost). The greatest of all-time to never win one? Possibly. Don’t forget there is also Jim Kelly (who at least made it to four in a row which is pretty damn impressive), Dan Fouts (who always put up big numbers but couldn’t really win in the playoffs like some other Chargers QB we all know), Fran Tarkenton (who lost three Super Bowls) and Warren Moon (a Hall of Famer who came pretty close with some good Houston teams. I would say these five are the Mount Rushmore of great Quarterbacks who never won the big one. And I would definitely say Marino is the best of them (which he is probably sick of hearing.) I left Archie Manning off the list because he’s the most overrated Manning of all. Quality sperm, though!

Who’s to blame for Marino’s lack of Championships? Don Shula coached him for 13 years. It’s hard to criticize a hall of fame coach who has made it two 6 Super Bowls (winning two of them) and coached the only undefeated team in the Super Bowl era—but maybe Shula stayed in the game a little too long? He was rightly criticized for never having complemented Marino with a running game and not shoring up the defense during Marino’s entire career. Shula’s career declined the older he got. He finished with 8 wins or less five times in the last ten years he coached—right in the prime of Marino’s career. It’s hard not to place some of the blame with Shula.

Maybe Marino was also a victim of circumstances? He had the misfortune of playing in the AFC East when the Bills had their dominant run. The Dolphins lost three playoff games to the Bills during his career. He also lost once to one of John Elway’s great Broncos teams. And when he did make it to the Super Bowl, he had to face the San Francisco 49ers with Joe Montana and their innovative west coast offense. Marino also played half of his career before the NFL expanded to 6 playoff teams in each conference in 1990—and his teams missed the playoffs four consecutive times in those early years.

Of course, though, some of the blame has to fall on Marino himself. He played poorly in a couple of those playoff games against the Bills—especially in 1993 when the Dolphins were coming off a pretty good season. He completed only 49% of his passes with 2 interceptions that day. And he had some really poor playoff showings late in his career under Jimmy Johnson. He had a 29.3 passer rating against the Patriots in a 1997 playoff loss and a 34.6 rating against the Jaguars in a 62 – 7 blowout—the last game of his great career.

Marino was a great quarterback that was exciting to watch. Some of my earliest memories of watching football were of his high-scoring shootouts early in his career. I remember when he handed the 1985 Bears their only loss on Monday night and I was crushed when he beat the Steelers in the AFC Championship game the year before. I love that he still talks about his roots in Pittsburgh any chance he gets and I know that he is an extremely charitable person. It’s just a shame that he has tarnished his greatness some by cheating on his wife. It’s just another reminder that star athletes are just as human as the rest of us. Except they get all the bitches.

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GGHJCHMJW8AB

Sorry folks, I’m the world’s LAZIEST BLOGGER. While all kinds of crazy shit was going on over the past few weeks and every other blogger in the world was casting stones I was too lazy to put my two cents in. I did re-watch every “Sopranos” episode on HBO GO, though. BUT HOLY SHIT. Between Manti Teo’s dead imaginary grandmother, Lance Armstrong’s confession to Oprah and Ray Lewis grinding down deer antlers and having a male stripper smear it on his rectum, this may have been the most bizarre three weeks EVER. Not in my wild dreams could I ever conceive some of the shit that went down. I don’t have time to touch on all of it (way too fucking lazy) but I will say this about the Lance Armstrong thing:  How incompetent are the International Cycling Union’s Drug Testers??? Everybody in the world already knew he was doping because HE WON SEVEN TIMES. They need to clean house and hire all of Lance Armstrong’s suppliers.

With all the crazy shit going on, nobody even noticed when Joe Flacco called the NFL retarded for playing Super Bowl 48 in New York City. You can’t say RETARDED when you’re being interviewed for Super Bowl week! You can’t really say retarded EVER. Personally, I have no problem with using that word to describe a movie or an idea or Roger Goodell. (I’m pretty sure I’ve used it on this site before.) But a lot of people find that word offensive no matter what the context. Flacco is an idiot for saying it. Anyway, I’m not going to chastise him for it. I am, however, going to reiterate how awful he is as a quarterback and explain how he just set the Baltimore Ravens back for years.

The worst thing that could have happened for Baltimore Ravens fans is for Joe Flacco to lead them to a Super Bowl on the eve of his free agency. Flacco is an incredibly incompetent quarterback. He occasionally shows flashes of greatness (what NFL player quarterback doesn’t?) but he is inconsistent and unreliable. The Baltimore Ravens know this too because THEY’RE LETTING HIM BECOME A FREE AGENT. If they had any faith in him they would never have taken that chance. He would have been locked into a long-term contract a long time ago. But now that they are in the Super Bowl (largely because of some of the “great” throws he made against Denver in the playoffs), they are forced to pay him. A LOT. He is going to command (and get) a huge contract. Ask a New York Jets fan how disheartening it is to have a terrible quarterback eat up a huge chunk of the team’s salary cap. Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. make around $20 Million a year. Those guys are worth that kind of money. They’ve won Super Bowls. Joe Flacco is NOT worth that kind of money…but he wants it. And because he led the Ravens to the Super Bowl, he’s going to get it. And he is going to set the Ravens back for years. They will be paying a shitload of money to a quarterback who has never thrown more than 25 TD’s in a season and whose completion percentage was under 60% each of the past two years. They’ll have less money to put into the offensive line and offensive weapons that have been carrying him all these years. He will regress every year of his new contract and the Ravens record will reflect it.

What if the Ravens win on Sunday? Wouldn’t he be worth it? Maybe he turned the corner as one of the elite NFL quarterbacks? FUCK NO. First off, the Ravens will not beat the 49ers. They have a much better defense than the Colts, Broncos and the Patriots. MUCH BETTER. It’s going to take a lot more than a few desperate downfield heaves to beat them. The 49ers are great at stopping the run and great at pressuring the quarterback. That does not bode well for Flacco who relies on his running game and his offensive line to set up deep throws. It’s just not going to happen. The 49ers defense is too good. Look how easily they handled the Packers a few weeks ago.

Even if the Ravens do win WHICH WILL BE THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE—at least we’ll never have to see Ray-Ray, the dancing retard anymore, Baltimore will still be the murder capital of the world, and they’ll be stuck with Flacco for a very long time. As a Steelers fan, that’s all wonderful news.

49ers 31, Ravens 20.

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Now that this year’s Oscar nominees have been released, we’ve decided it’s about time that someone comes out with real movie awards for real people. More specifically—real people with young kids who can’t get out much, like me. If you have kids, then you know that getting to the movies for non-Pixar films is nearly impossible. I didn’t see “Argo”. I didn’t see “Django Unchained” or “Lincoln” or “Zero Dark Thirty”; and I probably won’t see those movies for years. I do watch a shitload of Netflix streaming movies from my couch when we finally get the kids to bed, though. The Netflix streaming movie catalog sucks ass; but every so often you come across some real gems. Those are the ones we’re here to celebrate. So change a diaper, shoot some scag and then sit back and read the first annual SmorgasBurgh’s Netflix Awards for Those with Children at Home. The SNATCHes!

I don’t read “Entertainment Weekly” anymore (my forty year subscription finally ran out), but fuck those pretentious pricks for always putting movies in their Top 10 list that HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN RELEASED YET. They always act like they’re so much better than us because they get to watch movies that we haven’t even heard of. “This movie is way more awesome than anything you’ve seen. You can’t disagree with me either because you can’t even see it yet. Too bad you aren’t special like me.” FUCK YOU. Well, you’re probably not familiar with all the movies in this list either, unless you scrape the bottom of the Netflix movie barrel like I do. But you CAN turn to Netflix IMMEDIATELY after reading this and enjoy every single one of these masterpieces.

The only rules to be eligible for a SNATCH are:

• It has to be available via Netflix “Watch Instantly”
• It doesn’t matter when the movie was released, but it has to be one I’ve watched in 2012
• It cannot be a movie that I have already seen before in theaters or on video
• It has to be awesome
• No animation (FUCK YOU PIXAR, YOU HAVEN’T BRAINWASHED ME LIKE THE REST OF THEM!)

Without further ado, the nominees for the 2012 SNATCHes are:

Jeff, Who Lives at Home

I’m a big fan of Jason Segel and in this offbeat comedy he plays a pothead slacker that tries to figure out his place in the world. It doesn’t have a lot of big laughs, but it’s very entertaining…AND SHORT. It’s only about 80 minutes long which is a big deal when you’re tired from a long day of work and running the kids to soccer practice and you can barely stay awake to watch a full two hour movie. It’s directed by the Duplass brothers who must own Netflix because all of their movies are on it.

Room in Rome

This movie is nominated because it features two young women who share a hotel room in Rome and get naked for pretty much the entire time. WHOLE LOTTA ASS. Unfortunately, they do more talking than anything else. (Leave it to chicks to get naked and then just talk the whole time.) To be honest, I didn’t even watch the whole thing— I fast-forwarded through a lot of the talking—but I watched enough to know that this is true ART and worthy of a nomination. I think there were subtitles, but I can’t even remember. THE PLOT IS NOT IMPORTANT HERE. There is a bit of humor at one point when a man knocks on the door, sees what’s going down and is like “how about we turn this two-some into a three-some!” But the girls are all like “No dicks allowed!” And I was all like “GET THE FUCK OUT, ASSHOLE, THEY WERE FINALLY ABOUT TO SHUT UP AND GET BUSY.” Did I mention there is a lot of ass?

Rammbock:  Berlin Undead

There are a lot of terrible zombie movies (like the last few George Romero films)—but fortunately this one is pretty good. This is a German film with subtitles (SO CLASSY), but it doesn’t matter all that much because there isn’t a lot of dialogue, just a lot of tense action. The story focuses on a few survivors stranded in an apartment complex surrounded by zombies. Also, this movie is even shorter than “Jeff, Who Lives At Home” at only sixty minutes. You heard right—ONE HOUR—about the length of an episode of “Matlock”. I’m not even sure it qualifies as a movie—but it gets the SNATCH nomination nonetheless. If you like foreign zombie movies, be sure to also catch “Dead Snow” which features zombie Nazis who terrorize vacationers at a remote ski cabin. It’s a real movie— not making this shit up.

Take This Waltz

This drama stars Michelle Williams as a conflicted young wife who is tempted to cheat on her husband. I have to admit that the first half moves very slowly, but it is so beautifully directed that it is well worth watching. Sarah Polley, the blond actress from “Go” and the “Dawn of the Dead” 2004 remake (both excellent movies) is the talented, young director. Williams is naked a lot in this movie, which doesn’t hurt if you’re trying to get nominated for a SNATCH. Come to think of it, though, Williams is naked in a lot of movies. (I’m guessing that she feels guilty for not putting out enough when she lived with Heath Ledger so now she’s overcompensating by fucking EVERYBODY.) Seth Rogan plays her husband, but it’s not Funny Seth Rogan, it’s SERIOUS Seth Rogan. I’ve never seen SERIOUS Seth Rogan before, so this was new to me. I like the funny one better. Luke Kirby plays the douchebag who tries to steal Williams from Rogan. SHE’S MARRIED, ASSHOLE! I’m betting that playing a douchebag was not a stretch for him. Sarah Silverman also gets drunk and naked in this movie—but not in that order.

2-Headed Shark Attack

This movie gets nominated for the title alone. It’s actually very terrible, but the title and the premise are gold. Like a fucking Scooby Doo episode. I could just hear the pitch, “Think about it, Abram. What’s even SCARIER than a one-headed shark? (pause) A two-headed shark! You’re damn right! A SHARK WITH TWO FUCKING HEADS! That’s twice as scary as that shark in ‘Jaws’!” The plot follows a bunch of idiot college students who get stranded on an island after the two-headed shark attacks their boat. The shark proceeds to kill most of them. THAT’S RIGHT—these college students are so fucking stupid that they manage to get killed by a shark while ON LAND. The plot is awful. The acting is awful. The special effects are awful. Everything about this movie is awful, but how could you not watch a movie called “2-Headed Shark Attack”? COUNT ME IN. The really sad part, though, is that Netflix recommended this movie to me, suggesting that I would “really like it.” YOU LIKE STUPID SHIT—WATCH THIS! Netflix probably thinks I’m a thirteen year old German boy.

And the SNATCH goes to………

ALL OF THEM. It’s a 5-way tie! Suck it, Oscar! These movies actually are worth watching—so enjoy them if you have the time and Netflix. Actually, “2-Headed Shark Attack” is NOT worth it, but I am sure that you’ve already been sucked in. WHO CAN RESIST?

All these movies are probably also available on VHS.

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On January 5, 2008, Mike Tomlin lost his first playoff game as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Jacksonville proceeded to lose to the New England Patriots the following week and has not made the playoffs since. In Super Bowl 45, the Steelers lost to the Green Bay Packers. The following year the Packers were the number one seed in the NFC, but were upset by the New York Giants in the divisional round of the playoffs. They also lost in the divisional round this year. Last year the Steelers lost to the Denver Broncos in the playoffs. Denver proceeded to get destroyed by the Patriots the following week and then was upset by the Baltimore Ravens as the number one seed this year. What does all of this mean? Nothing. But if it happens again then we all know Tomlin is a witch.

The Conference Championship matchups this year could not suck more for Steeler fans. None of us want to see either Harbaugh in the Super Bowl. Nor do we want to be reminded of how much of a genius Belichick is—which is insane. (As Joe Theismann once said, “a genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.”) Our only hope is the Atlanta Falcons winning the whole thing and I don’t think Atlanta could beat any of the other three teams if they played with 12 men. Anyway, let’s just hope for the best. This is how I see things playing out:

Baltimore versus New England

It helps a lot that Rob Gronkowski is out, but the Patriots will probably still score at least forty points. There is no way that Joe Flacco will repeat his lucky performance from last week, so I don’t think they will keep up. I’m guessing the Patriots win 41 – 20. Gronkowski should get every girl that blows him to sign his cast. “I NEED A BIGGER CAST, BRAH!”

As much as I hate Baltimore, I will be rooting for them to win. I don’t want either team to win the Super Bowl and I think that Baltimore stands a much better chance of losing to either San Francisco or Atlanta. I know we will all dread the Ray Lewis hype in the two weeks leading up, but don’t forget that there will also be constant reminders that he was once ARRESTED FOR MURDER. I hope that he gets asked about it a thousand times on media day. He’ll get so pissed he may just kill again.

Even if the Patriots do win the Super Bowl again, we can all at least take solace in knowing  that they cheated to win their first three and are possibly still cheating. (Bryan O’Leary makes a great case for it in Spygate: The Untold Story.) Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. will be anointed as the best quarterback ever, but we really won’t know how much Spygate contributed to his early success. Also, it’s fairly evident that Gisele is making him miserable, so he may just be the new O.J. one day. (If Deion Sanders doesn’t beat him to it. Deion probably already has a knife picked out.)

San Francisco versus Atlanta

Colin Kaepernick does not impress me with his arm. He’s an impressive runner, covering about 15 yards with every stride, but I don’t think he can win a tight playoff game if he’s forced to put the ball in the air over and over. The way to beat the 49ers is to put eight men in the box and keep a spy on him. Make him throw. DARE him to throw. That being said, I would have more confidence in the Falcons chances if only they had played better against Cam Newton this year. Newton has a similar skill-set to Kaepernick’s and he dominated Atlanta in both games (even though Carolina lost the first one). I think Kaepernick throws a couple interceptions, but makes enough big plays. I’m guessing the 49ers win 27 – 24. Roger Goodell must be so hard with all the points scored in these playoffs.

I don’t know who to root for in this one. I want Atlanta to win the whole thing, but I don’t think they can. If they face the Patriots in the Super Bowl, they will get their asses handed to them. At least if the 49ers face the Patriots, they have shown that they can beat them. I don’t want the 49ers to win their sixth Super Bowl, though, and I definitely don’t want to see a Harbaugh hoisting the Lombardi. IMAGINE IF THERE IS AN ALL-HARBAUGH SUPER BOWL. (I picture entire cities being decimated with the uprising of Sumarian demons—all hell breaking loose!)

Best case scenario is the Falcons beating the Ravens in the Super Bowl. That will be awesome. I don’t see it happening, though. It’s going to be the 49ers and the Patriots in a great game. We can always hope that both team buses slam into each other on the way to the Superdome, injuring so many players that they have to cancel the game. Jim Harbaugh and Bill Belichick are just the coaches to make that happen too. “Fuck him. We have the right-of-way. Step on it!” Or maybe Mike Smith puts a hit out on both teams? There is no way that that dude is NOT in the mafia. If they have to cancel the game they should just re-air Super Bowl 43.

Follow us on twitter as we eat crow for our picks (hopefully).

Everyone remembers the debacle on Thanksgiving when Jim Schwartz (who inexplicably has not been fired yet) threw a red flag on a scoring play that would have automatically been reviewed. Because of some bizarre rule, once Schwartz threw the flag, the play could no longer be overturned and the Texans’ Justin Forsett was awarded a bogus long touchdown after getting up off the ground and running to the endzone after ALREADY HAVING BEEN TACKLED. Many of you may not know that years ago the NFL rule was that a player not only had to be tackled, but held down on the ground like getting pinned by King Kong Bundy. I’m not making that up. That was the rule. You can watch some old black and white NFL clips where runners take a hard shot and get knocked on their ass but then get back up and keep running just like Justin Forsett. I can only assume that non-replacement referees that worked Thanksgiving were good old union boys who have been around since those old days and did not know that rule has been changed like 80 years ago. They still deserve the huge raises they got, though, don’t they?

Let me go off on a tangent about Jim Schwartz. You can skip this paragraph if you don’t know who Jim Schwartz is or if you hate Jews. Despite having a very talented roster consisting of several very high draft picks, he has made the playoffs once in his four years as head coach of the Lions. That was in 2011, when they finished 10-6 and were promptly blown out by the Saints in the playoffs. That was also the only year that he has not had a losing record. He did inherit an 0-16 team, but after going 2-14 his first year, 6-10 in his second and 10-6 in the aforementioned playoff year, they regressed back to 4-12 this past season. That should be reason enough to get fired. BUT THERE’S MORE! In that Thanksgiving game, he not only made the major mistake in throwing that illegal red flag (Mike Smith of the Falcons did the same thing just four days prior so even though it is a stupid rule, all of the coaches should have been well aware of it), he also elected to attempt a potential game-winning 47 yard field goal ON THIRD DOWN. Holy fuck. How stupid could he be? Jason Hanson missed the long field goal and the Lions ended up losing the game. I do not watch a lot of Lions games, but after seeing Schwartz lose the game for his team by making two bone-headed mistakes, I can only wonder how many other stupid decisions he makes on a regular basis to contribute to their losing ways. He also has no idea how to handle Ndamjkong Suh’s anger management issues and despite his extensive background as a Defensive Coordinator, the Lions consistently rank among the worst defenses in the league. I am not a Lions fan in the least, but I have to wonder again out loud HOW THE HELL IS THIS MAN NOT YET FIRED? BTW not that it matters, but Jim Schwartz is not Jewish.

Now let’s get back to the matter at hand and a team I fucking despise, the Green Bay Packers. After Mike Smith made the blunder of throwing the illegal challenge flag and Schwartz followed with the same mistake on a nationally televised game, the NFL acknowledged that it is the dumbest rule ever but elected not to change it until after the season which makes about as much sense as shitting your pants at work on a Monday and wearing the same smelly soiled pair everyday for the rest of the week. (Everyone knows that the solution to this predicament is to sneak a stapler into the restroom and fashion a makeshift pair of pants with paper towels after flushing your shit-streaked ones down the toilet. In other words, the NFL should have fixed the fucking problem as soon as possible.) Even though the NFL chose not to change the rule, there’s no way any head coach would be stupid enough to make that mistake again, right?

WRONG. Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy is one dumb motherfucker.

In one of the most entertaining games of the year, last Sunday’s contest between the Vikings and Packers, dumbass McCarthy tried to challenge a turnover by throwing the red flag. As was the case in the previous two interpretations of the rule, the play should have no longer been eligible for review and the call on the field – although horrendous—should have stood. The Vikings should have been awarded possession on a fumble by the Packers and Mike McCarthy should have been subjected to even more verbal abuse by his bipolar Quarterback. (Here is a gif of Aaron Rodgers after the play presumably calling his own coach a fat fuck.)

But because the Green Bay Packers are the NFL’s favorite franchise, (owned by the People for the People!) Mike McCarthy was given a mulligan and the play was permitted to be overturned by replay even though it was against the rules. A RULE IS A RULE NO MATTER HOW FUCKING STUPID. It was obviously not a fumble, but nobody in the world would have felt any sympathy for the Packers for getting jobbed by the refs because of McCarthy’s horrible blunder. Even the Packers Aaron Rodgers wanted to punch McCarthy’s fat face for his stupidity. The Vikings still fortunately won the game, but IT BLOWS MY MIND THAT THE NFL BLATANTLY IGNORED THE RULES IN THE PACKERS FAVOR. No surprise that Mike Pereira on FOX defended Referee Mike Carey’s bullshit explanation because Pereira would take any means necessary to make sure that neither he nor his fellow union buddies look bad during a telecast. Carey said that the play was already buzzed for review, so he still allowed it despite McCarthy’s illegal red flag. WHAT THE FUCK??? No shit! Every turnover or touchdown is reviewed. That’s the fucking point of the illegal red flag. It can’t be thrown after a turnover or touchdown. Again, it’s a stupid-ass rule, but IT’S STILL A FUCKING RULE THAT SHOULD BE ENFORCED FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO MAKE STUPID COACHES FEEL EVEN STUPIDER.

This is not the first time that the Packers have been given a pass by the NFL, though. We all remember the high profile rape allegation against Ben Roethlisberger back in 2010. He was astoundingly suspended for four games by Roger Goodell despite not even being arrested in the matter. The inaccurate and one-sided media reports were enough to convince Goodell to act irrationally in handing out a punishment. That same off-season, however, multiple Green Bay Packers were also accused of raping two women in a rented condo after a golf outing. The accusations were every bit as ludicrous as the one levied against Roethlisberger, and also did not result in any charges. Unlike the situation with Roethlisberger, however, the Packers were given a free pass by the NFL and none of the players involved were suspended. Both incidents were very similar, but Goodell only saw fit to punish the Steelers. The Green Bay incident did not receive as much media attention and therefore Goodell didn’t feel it necessary to handle it in the same manner as Roethlisberger’s case.

Is there some kind of conspiracy in the NFL favoring the Packers? Probably not. If there was then Goodell would have over-ruled the Seahawks touchdown on the simultaneous catch early in the season and personally delivered an apology to Aaron Rodgers while jerking him off. That doesn’t mean that the red-flag incident from this past weekend should just be glossed over. It was atrocious. It was an error that could have cost the Vikings a playoff spot. Goodell has shown time and time again that the NFL can be inconsistent, irrational, unfair and fucking insane. He’s the one presiding over this mess, so I hate him the most.

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