COACHES MEETING 23

An uncensored, behind-the-scenes look at Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin and his staff.
2012 Week 10. Last Week: Pittsburgh 24, NY Giants 20. Next: Chiefs
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Tomlin: “I couldn’t be more prouder of all of you, or the players for the effort on Sunday. That was a total team effort and we need to continue building on that through the rest of the season.”

Lebeau: “That’s a pretty good team we beat. In their own place.”

Tomlin: “That’s right. If we can play that well against them, then we can play with anybody in this league.”

Lebeau: “They even had help from the zebras too!”

Tomlin: “Yes, there were some questionable calls for sure. I won’t say it in front of the media, but in this room, in front of all of you guys, I can say that those refs sucked donkey balls.”

Lebeau: “I can’t wait to hear the league’s explanation for Ryan Clark’s helmet-to-helmet penalty. Was Cruz’s head up his own ass when he got hit?”

Tomlin: “The official’s head sure was.”

Haley: “Zing! Look at the boss cracking jokes!”

(High fives all around.)

Tomlin: “I don’t mind letting loose a bit while on a three game winning streak. Plus we have the Chiefs coming to town on Monday night and they don’t worry me in the least.”

Haley: (whispering) “Oh, shit. The Chiefs. I almost forgot. He could be listening right now.”

Tomlin: “What?”

Haley: (whispering) “Pioli. He’s probably got the whole room bugged already. This is bad. This is really bad.”

Tomlin: “Are you still paranoid that Pioli is listening in on all your conversations? I’m very confident that we’re all safe here. Plus I would venture to bet that Pioli and Crennel could sit in on all our sessions all week and that still wouldn’t help them on Monday night.”

Lebeau: “Crennel would probably just sleep through the meetings.”

Haley: (whispering) “I still wouldn’t trust that lunatic, Pioli.”

(A staff member walks into the room pushing a cart full of sandwiches and drinks. Haley jumps out of his seat and puts a knife to the man’s throat.)

Haley: “Safe, huh! Who’s this guy!”

Tomlin: “Easy, easy. That’s just Manuel. I had lunch brought in. He’s cool.”

Haley: (To Manuel) “Why are your pants all wet?”

Manuel: “You have knife on my neck. I have full bladder. Mr. Rooney not give us many breaks.”

Haley: “Jesus Christ.”

(Art Rooney II walks into the room.)

Rooney: “Get back to work, Manuel. I don’t pay you to stand around like a jackass.”

(Haley releases Manuel.)

Lebeau: “Can’t help but notice there are more and more Mexicans on the staff.”

Rooney: “Well, we’re not Mexico’s favorite team for nothing! We got em on the grounds crew, the janitorial staff, in the kitchen. God willing one day we hope to have a Mexican kicker in here.”

Tomlin: “One who can turn the corner on a toss, I hope.”

Rooney: “We keep the Mexicans employed here and they buy our merch down there! Funny thing is they MAKE most of our merch down there. They make it, then send it all up here. We bless it and sell it back to them at 100 times the cost.” (Takes a bite of a sandwich) “It’s a great racket.”

Tomlin: “God bless America.”

Rooney: “Yes. And with Obama winning the election, looks like Dad might extend his vacation in Ireland for a bit. That means we can keep doing whatever the hell we want! Everybody cut out early today!”

Tomlin: “You might cut out early. But we all have work to do.”

Lebeau: “But Mikey, it’s the Chiefs this week.”

Tomlin: “I hear ya. Everybody call it a day.” (Tosses his sandwich back on the cart.) “Thanks for making us lunch, Manuel, but it looks like we’re not going to need it afterall.”

(Manuel pushes the cart back out the door as he weeps.)

Manuel: (Mumbles to himself) “Me sentí más digna cuando yo era el contrabando de heroína en mi asno.”

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