At my old job we used to have cake for everything. Birthdays, engagements, holidays. It was just like that Seinfeld episode. But the best was when someone left the company. We threw one hell of a goodbye party. We would always cut out really early on a Friday and go to the Mexican place across the street and have margaritas and appetizers AND cake. It was the kind of job where you were bored out of your mind and cutting out early for anything was AWESOME. I loved when somebody left the company. I secretly wished that someone would leave every week. This one time, we had this girl who quit after only about 6 months. I guess her manager was pretty pissed because he probably put a lot of time and money into getting her hired and trained and all that stuff. Anyway, all I could think of was the PARTAY! So I walked into her manager’s office the one day and was all like, “so, uh, we getting a cake for Sharon Friday?” And he said, “FUCK NO. She wasn’t here long enough for cake.” WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. At my new job we never have cake for anything. In fact, we once had a guy in the office who DIED and not only did they not do anything to honor him, but they had his cubicle cleaned out and SOME NEW GUY MOVE IN within a week. My new job is ALL BUSINESS. It’s like I moved from Europe to Asia.
Anyway, with Todd Graham leaving so abruptly I could not help but think that he was not here long enough for cake. We will give him a sendoff, anyway, as SmorgasBurgh put together the Most Memorable Moments of Graham’s career here. We came up with four.
- He didn’t beat his wife. I know, right? After the Haywood debacle we were all holding our breath hoping that the new guy wouldn’t beat his wife too. Nobody wanted Pitt to be known as the school who only hires wife-beaters. In hindsight, though, they could have hired O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake and they still would have been overshadowed by those DISGUSTING FUCKS at Penn State.
- The South Florida win. I guess every season has a signature win and this would have been it for Pitt. South Florida was ranked 16th and Pitt destroyed them on national TV. But then Pitt lost to Rutgers, Ray Graham got hurt and South Florida went on to finish 1 – 6 in the shittiest Big East ever. And to think I almost burned a couch!
- His relationship with Tino Sunseri. One of the funniest moments of the season was Graham’s press conference after the Backyard Brawl. You know he had to catch a lot of heat for all those times he criticized his QB in the past because you could tell he was really trying his hardest not to throw him under the bus—but then he went and did just that—OVER AND OVER in a not so subtle way. He kept saying “the Defense played great. The offensive line blocked well. We had receivers wide open…..BUT WE JUST COULDN’T GET THEM THE BALL.” It was like he was fighting a seizure and just wanted to scream about his quarterback. DID YOU SEE THAT SACK HE TOOK!
- He quit. He came here less than a year ago preaching about championships and his high octane offense and then he was like— ”see ya! By the way, here is this pile of shit that used to be your football team. My bad!”
Look, I’m not the least bit shocked about Graham leaving. Not anymore. This stuff happens in College football. As long as schools are willing to overpay these guys, they will pack up and go. It’s not as bad as Bobby Petrino doing the Pig Sooie cheer less than 24 hours after sneaking out on the Falcons. Or that bitch Sharon quitting after 6 months. But I will still take this opportunity to call Graham a weasly little cunt who couldn’t handle the STEEL CITY. Go fuck yourself.