A Final Word on Dog Fights

This is an old rant from November 2010 that SmorgasBurgh thought was worth sharing:

Are you a Philadelphia Eagles fan who is torn about whether to root for Michael Vick?  Are you ashamed that the Eagles have signed him and disgusted that he has been performing so well?  Do you hate your team now?  Do you yearn for Kevin Kolb to return to the starting lineup?  If so, then I have a message that I hope you take to heart.

Are you fucking serious? The guy had like 15 touchdowns last game. Not only should you be rooting for him, but you should draw a dong on his Fathead and simulate fellatio on him every night before you go to bed. (Got to keep the man happy.)

Besides, the whole dog-fighting thing was WAYYYYYYYYYY OVERBLOWN. He killed a bunch of Pitbulls…PITBULLS! You know how when you hear a story about a dog saving his owner’s life by dialing 9-1-1? NEVER A FUCKING PITBULL! You know how when you hear a story about a dog mangling a two-year old’s face? ALWAYS A FUCKING PITBULL!

“When you fall asleep, I am going to eat your scrotum.” 

Michael Vick not only did society a favor by ridding us of those evil creatures, but he also provided a service by keeping a lot of dregs of society off the streets on weekends. They could have been out murdering or car-jacking or ass-raping old women– but they were at his house, minding their own business and watching some harmless Pitbull Fighting.

So if you’re an Eagles fan– stop being a bitch and root for Mike Vick.  Also, do society some good.  Plant a tree.  Kill a Pitbull.  And take a shower.  (If you’re an Eagles fan then you’re probably waking up from a bender with puke on your face and a load in your pants.) Fuck Philadelphia..

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