BUSTER THE RACCOON

imageAs baseball season winds down, I just wanted to tell one more story about when I used to work for the Pirates. If you missed the previous ones, this one is about the no-hitter in 1997 and this one is about a golf-cart mishap. I worked for the Pirates through high school and college doing odd jobs as a member of their support staff. By far, the worst job was the Pirate Parrot’s assistant. Weird, right? You would think hanging with a man dressed as a giant cartoon bird at a sporting event would be fun and exciting. NOPE. More like stressful and exhausting. Because the Parrot was a DICK.
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THE TRAGIC TALE OF DONNIE MOORE

imageMichael Keaton’s latest film, Birdman, looks promising and I can’t wait to see it. The Pittsburgh native has always been one of my favorite actors. The other night I was reading about Birdman on the Internet before going to bed. I waste way too much time reading about movies. I usually decide it’s too late to watch one, but then I spend three hours on the Internet reading stupid shit.
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THE WASHINGTON WHATCHAMACALLITS

redskins

There are very few things that I feel strongly about. Basically, I am a very shallow person. I love my family and my television. That’s it. Oh, I also like burgers. Everything else I pretty much don’t give a shit about. There are some issues that I am lukewarm on. Gays should be allowed to marry. Why not. Fuck, people could marry donkeys for all I care. Men shouldn’t hit women and people shouldn’t shit in the streets. That’s actually one more thing I feel strongly about. I can’t imagine how enraged I would be if I was taking a stroll and stepped in human shit. If someone was going to do it on a rare occasion for laughs, that would be fine. I would actually find it funny. But if shitting in the streets became a “thing” I would be so pissed. I’m fully aware that they do this in some countries like China and India, which is why I never plan on stepping foot in any of those places. Oh, I also lack culture. I don’t have any ambition to travel. The view in real life is never as spectacular as anything on my HDTV.
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IS MICHAEL SAM REALLY GAY?

michael sam

Michael Sam, the NFL’s soon to be first openly gay player, has been a hot topic of conversation this offseason– except, ironically, among the gay male community which isn’t really that into football. But do you really think he’s gay? Really? I know what you’re thinking– I’m an asshole. Criticizing a courageous role model for young homosexuals everywhere. However, I am NOT questioning Michael Sam’s courage one bit. Not at all. In fact, you know what would be even more brave than a gay man coming out of the closet before he enters the NFL draft? A straight man PRETENDING to be gay and coming out of the closet for the draft. That takes fucking balls. I salute you, Sam, whether or not you are lying out of your gay ass.
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GENO ON THE OLYMPICS

red faced

Hello Pittsburgh friends. It is me, Geno. Yes I feel shame for losing Olympics. Much shame. But also much fear. Time to put on fake mustache and hightail it out of country. I should make it to Kazakhstan border by dawn. If you see me on street in Sochi, no call me Geno! Call me Guy Incognito. I still remember fallout from 1980 team. They wake up in frozen pond up to their necks! And figure skating team wake up to find eyes gouged out! Not a good year for any Russian skaters. Then they make figure skating team perform their routine for 12 hours straight on same ice where hockey team buried. Not pretty sight. But number one pay-per-view in Russian history! Too bad our loss put a damper on good times in Motherland. I was proud to show my league-mates my home country. Sid not happy because no Disney channel in hotel. But fuck him anyway because he win another gold. Just kidding! So happy for him and Kunitz. Jagr was very happy because not one prostitute over 19 years old. Very strict age discrimination in Russia! Also no waitress and no nurse over 19. Pretty much any women over 19 carted off to work in herring cannery or traded to Latvia for lunch-meats. Well, I must go now. Run and hide in cover of darkness. Like Canadian military during Iraq war. LOL…just kidding, Sid! Not everyone can have big, huge balls like Ruskies, eh!

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